DIVERGENT PATHS

Every day I listen to a national radio program, partly because I enjoy the content, but mostly because the executive producer is a very good friend of mine.

Well, used to be a very good friend.

We started working at the network together. Started on the same day, on different programs, but our paths crossed in the copy room and we were inseparable from that moment. She was the best friend I never had. I mean, she was more like me than any of my best friends ever were…and well, I think having a friend like me is pretty cool.

Similar but not. I come from a large, tight family…she from an isolated abusive one. On the west coast. While most of my childhood belongings were (and still remain) stored at my parents’ crib, everything she had was piled into her tiny uptown studio.

She got the job from a hook up. Not that she didn’t work hard, she sure as hell did. She’s one of those people whose life depends on their success. Through that constant hustle she found a well-connected mentor who helped show her the way. I had no mentors, no guidance really.

Difference was, she had no safety net. I, on the other hand, though ambitious, always felt comforted by the support of my family and friends.

We both soon became quite disillusioned by the company, and the field in general. When given the opportunity, I got out of there, and created a new way for myself, with her help. She stayed, despite being miserable, and almost getting shipped off to cover the war. I used to go over and make her breakfast on the days she didn’t wanna get out of bed and go to work.

I listen to this radio show everyday because she has made quite a path for herself. Climbed to the top of the heap. And is doing a hell of a job doing it.

I listen and laugh at the guests on the program that we both met at the same event, or that I recognize as her professors from undergrad, or that I know she idolizes. People she has obviously kept in touch with over the years, and who would need a hint at why they know me.

I do not envy her success. I’m proud as fcuk of her. Wish I could call her up and tell her so. But we had a massive fall out a few years back… one that im pretty sure will be healed after some time. Not enough has elapsed just yet.

But I do envy the fact that she followed thru enough to achieve her status. I don’t know if she’s happy doing it. There are so many other things I know she’d rather be doing. She was always forced to define herself by her success. I had to one time explain to her that running errands for newswriters was not her “livelihood.” But she has finally reached a point where she can look back at her abusers and have some clout to back up an adamant Eff You!

Today as I listened to the program and heard the voice of a vet in the biz - who one time scolded me so badly I had to call my damn mom - I laughed out loud. My ex-best friend is using her resources. Just like I am, only in a completely different realm.

I realized very early on that professional success was not something that would ever, ever, ever make me happy. Not even content. It’s just not that important to me. Nevertheless, I work hard at whatever I do, and try to find projects that fulfill me. But beyond needing to maintain a livelihood that includes a roof over my head and turkey burgers in my freezer, I’m not what you’d call a climber. (that's not to say that I'm content at the bottom!)

Not everyone shares my perspective, which makes it hard living against public consensus. I’m at the age where most of my friends who have been grinding in one way or another are beginning to reach their pinnacles. Dissertations defended. EIC titles. I’ve been there and done that a few times over already. And it doesn’t phase me in the least. I’m back in school now for many reasons, truthfully, the least of which is for the benefits of another degree. But that’s what people expect to be my conclusion.

And unfortunately, some days, like today, I feel unaccomplished.

I’m not career-obsessed. I’ve never wanted to be just one thing when I grow up. That’s just not my passion. Well, except maybe a mom and wife. Maybe that’s why I feel funny today. Because she has climbed to professional success (whether it makes her happy or not), and I have yet to reach my personal one.