12:10 pm

Any minute now my phone will ring. I won't bother investigating the identity of the caller nor will I contemplate an appropriate method of ignoring it. I'll simply pick up.

Or no, maybe I shouldn't watch the time, in the event that there might be a new angle this year. Sometimes things get changed up.

What is constant though is the fact that the caller will make me giddy. My lips will chafe from stretching, my teeth in full display. I'll feel like a kid again -- and Lord knows I need that -- and my mind will race like young me, wild and free through the backyard on a cool spring day.

At 12:10 pm in 5th grade I convinced my teacher to let the class sing happy bday to me. The exact time of my birth.

I am nothing if not motivated by acceptance and love, so birthdays suit me quite well. I make grand gestures of the dates of birth of those close to me, mostly because the joy of celebrating ones life is an emotion I hold dear. But part of me is probably calling in a favor.

Remember me on March 24.

There was one year there was no call. Well, no, there was a call, but I was the one who made it. I had to dial in to get my own birthday wishes.

As time inches toward noon, I'm overwhelmed and overwrought with the pride of a woman much simpler than I. My arrival in this world 30-something years ago, my family squatting like Major League catchers, ready to field me at home plate. Future friends in bassinets sprinkled across our town, across the world even, settled in, preparing to round the bases where our paths will inevitably cross someday. Others still simmering in the gut like last night's lasagna, ready for release. Others still not even a thought or misstep in their parents' daily walk.

At 12:10 pm my mother might call me. To tell me I wasn't a mistake. That missteps I've made are a part of life, and that she's proud to claim me. That my father was a mess when I arrived and that he's proud of me too. That it's ok to miss him.

Or she may wait until the kids are home or siblings pass through so that one call can be made. Kind of like all those calls placed during holiday meals that I missed over the years.

That God has seen fit to deliver me to this world, in this way, at this moment in time, is why birthdays are the best gifts. Ever. Like Easy Bake Oven* or Snoopy Snow Cone Machine* best.

The days and months leading up to today have been a This is Your Life exercise set to dim lights and dark harmonies. But today, even for this one moment at 12:10 pm, I am sure that this is in fact my life, whether I'm pleased with the rough cuts or not.

I trust that the moment is yet to arrive. But it's coming...

(*my parents, anti-dumb American shit Jamaicans that they are, did not believe in either toy and therefore would neither field nor dignify inquiries or requests for them or any other dumb shit that American kids cried for.)

***Updated: The call came in at 12:28pm...and I was notified that it is "Officially my bday," because I was in fact born on a Thurs. She was waiting all morning to call and will call me again when the kids get home so they can tell me how great I am. :) ***

33 and...

33 years ago today, my parents saved the best for last.

My mother was only three years older than I am right now – in those days considered an old maid and crazy for popping out a kid – and my father was my age, when their last child was born. It’s bizarre juxtaposing their life experiences against mine, yet implicit is the crossroads it presents. Obviously the world was a much different place for a 30-something in 1977. But in many ways I believe I was conceived and raised to be different.

And that I am.

A life-changing occurrence like the birth of a brilliant child sets your life on a brand new course. There was no way for my parents to know or even be prepared for the journey. But somehow they managed to bend with the severe curves in the road, to scale the walls that popped up many times unannounced, and to travel through dark terrain guided by little more than the light of faith and hope.

I have no way of knowing what course my life will take; whether the journey will be long or abbreviated, how the adventures I choose will shape the contours of my journey. Faith and hope will serve as my trusted GPS.

For now, I’ll raise a fifth glass and celebrate my parents’ decision to have one more go of it.

It’s my birthday, and I feel…different.




Oh yes, I'm back, bitches.

BLOGGING FROM THE BEACH (*photo updates)

Im currently sitting on the beach. Rain soaking my hoodie. The sun playing hard to get.

This couldn't be more like my life right now. Im in the right place just not necessarily at the right time.

20 of my closest friends are within earshot. An empty patron bottle litters the sand as does a few too many smoked down cloves and bidis.

My throats sore from God knows what... Walking through chilly rain puddles in sandals? Disproportions of liquor to water? Singing mary j blige and jay z songs for 3 hours straight on saturday (did that ngga Jigga endorse obama somewhere btwn performing 'Can I Get A' and 'Brooklyns Finest'?? LOVED it!) Laughing out loud til I cough uncontrollably?

Im on the beach but the sun won't come out...

Damn you sure gather up a shitload of debris during the course of 20+ year friendships. Lots of secrets too.

So this is what they mean when they say your family wll break your heart without remorse.

Mr. Wendel, the old homeless guy who does tricks, makes water disappear and "levitates" for tourists can't find a way to "magic" a roof over his head??
I didn't fall cuz I was drunk...but bec I was drunk, I couldn't stop myself from falling.

Im an obsessive crotch-watcher...and this is prime terrain.

I wouldn't last a second without my pda phone.

DatNucca is equal parts patient, hilarious, quick-tempered, sensitive, and sexy. Rrreeeooorrr!

My boy tatted some cat's name on his shoulder and hid it from us for almost 2 years.

Im pretty sure I lost a friend this weekend.

My brothers really never fulfilled their New Edition fantasies until they rented bikes today and rolled thru Miami looking like the NE Heartbreak video.

A confirmation number don't always mean 'confirmed.'

Everyone in my life is plotting on my biological clock...

Including my mother who called to speak to my best friend from college to tell him that she has a feeling he's gonna be her son in law. Ima need that feeling to take a hike.

It is in fact possible to get kicked out of and subsequently banned from the ocean.

Corn nuts??

Boys just never get tired of ass...

Can't really blame them.

Don't worry if a restaurant doesn't allow you to byob. You can. And should. A big one. For everyone.

"Her hair look like chicken-flavored ramon.noodles."
"All around me love's just not working. But I still feel like its the absolute only thing worth fighting for."

"What's a little head among friends?"

"There's more to the story..."

"Omg I was always DYING to ask daddy this...Can you feel it crawling around inside you?" ...
"No. And that's why people die from it."

"Bout time you got curious."

"I definitely thought less of him for it."

"You look like last night's good time."

"Who HASN'T had a threesome since we've been here??"

"Lawd ah cyan Sonny Wise dautah a dahnce so! Jesas hof di Sabbat!"

"Laaaaaaa laaaa la la, wait til I get my money right!"


Im on the beach and the sun is trying to play nice. As am I.

But its getting harder, not easier. The older I get, the more complex the relationships around me. Things are falling apart as others are coming together, and its impossible to find a sensible emotional balance.

Much like a hoodie on the beach.

So do you wait for the sun to show up or do you lay on the beach, shivering, and enjoy the imperfections that make life a beautiful fucking pain in the ass?

You have another shot. Another smoke. And laugh til your throats sore. It'll be better tomoro.

Happy birthday to me :)

OLDIE BUT GOODIE

For the first time in 30 years I looked in the mirror and looked OLD.

Now granted, my eyebrow dude pulled a fast one and changed his number...so after settling for the alternative threading a week and a half ago, I am looking kinda Ernie & Bert.


And true, the time of the effing month has left a scattering of unflattering breakouts across my forehead.

And there are the few errant greys.

And come to think of it, my eyes look almost as dark as the lenses on my shades.

Ok, this isnt the first time I've looked ugly ...but def the first time I bet I could buy a Molson unmolested.

Exhibit A...sexy lil laugh lines so sensitively pointed out by Brolic Boy.

Exhibit B...a box full of photos positioned right below my mirror. [Somebody found somebody else who in turn found me on Crackbook...so I pulled out the albums trying to find pics of them from back in the day.]

Instead, I found a So...Wise Yearbook of past events and candid moments.

Wise of old, if you will. Oh shit...

Remember that party at Cheetah!

Wow, it was like 15 of us crashed in my lil azz crib on the Dip.set block.

Whoa...I had forgotten all about that cat. I need to g00gle him.

Awww, my mom looks so pretty!

Look at my babies!!

Whoa, graduation seems like a lifetime ago.

What was that shirt??

DAYUM, my hair was sooooo long!
Fresh perm, too.
I LOOK SO YOUNG!

Every pic of me from high school to college to recent grad feature me in one youthful pose after another. ()I never appreciated it back then of course, but I had a hopeful glimmer in my eye and a Pantenesque sheen to my healthy hair.

*sigh*

It occurred to me that the last days of my 20s were also the last days of my hair as I knew it. It started to deteriorate as my bday approached.

I cut it off in May. Embraced the loss the same way I did the turn of the new decade.

And for the first time ever, as I rocked my lil nappy fro, I looked OLD.
(You gotta understand, the Perpetually Juvenile look runs in my family. My brothers are damn near 40 and still look like Bishop and 'nem from the movie Jui.ce, and I routinely get carded when buying my mom's K00ls 100.)

It's probably still not visible to the untrained eye...I'm sure I'd still get mistaken for an undergrad.

Until...

Saturday

Ms. Thomasine..."So what are you waiting for?"

Wise..."I dunno. I'm still trying to get used to it short. I've never not had a ponytail. And been rocking long braids since March."

MT..."You have a lot of hair. More than I did when I started. You got a cute lil pea head, too. It'll be longer than you think."

I sit up in the swivel chair. Take one last look at my old looking azz. Take a self-portrait with my phone.

Wise: "Let's do it."

The next time I faced the mirror, an hour later, I was 21 again. Fresh face, bright eyes. Pea head.

Freshly twisted hair.

10 years from now, God willing, I’ll look in the mirror and finally look 30. I’ll have photographic evidence in a box by the mirror, and a head full of locs to tell the story.

New Growth

Inspired by 1969's Self-Challaaaaaaange post...I thought I'd revisit my list of 30 Things Ima Do Now That I'm 30 to track my progress.

1. Read Invisible Man
OK, so I went to start reading this right after the semester ended and uh, um, I dont even have the damn book. So still working on this one...

...Go to Europe
A friend of mine is there right now as a chaperone to some high school kids. plan was for me to tag along and have a place to stay...but um, nobody told my broke azz that tickets were skyhigh in the summer. Duh. So gotta research the most cost-effective time of year to jump the pond.

...Learn the diff btwn a straight and curved mascara brush (then buy the right one (currently using straight))

I believe it was Miss LaLa who informed me that the curved brush is a croc of shit, so check mark on this one!

...See Les Mis
I kind of dont even care about this one anymore. But I did see Col0r Purp (pre-Fan). That dont count? Oh.

5. Make friends with a famous person
I do still like this one, and Ive managed to hang out with a few recently. But not on a text-msg/inside joke basis with any yet, which essentially is the goal.

...Start telling young boys to pull up their damn pants (and that chain wallets and glitter belts are 'so 5 years ago' white and gay, respectively)
I do this in my head ALL the time. But havent been in a crowded enough environment to risk doing it out loud yet. But the offense is growing more and more egregious by the day so I know it's coming soon.

...Stick with spinning and belly dancing
Ok the bellydancing instructor is fat her damn self, so that's out. But I HAVE maintained a 3 times a week spinning regimen, and an overall successful fitness overhaul. Yeah!

...BUY good music instead of downloading
Ive downloaded some good music. Thats gotta count for something!! And yes, I have paid for some gems, too. Id say Im on track with this one.

...Finish a manuscript
Workin on it!!

10. Outline my thesis
NOT working on it.

...Join church
Still quite ambivalent, and leaning towards no. I still go as often as I can, and I enjoy it most times, but it should feel natural and it doesnt.

...Invest more aggressively in mutual funds
I'm halfway there I think. I'm currently saving aggressively, basically paying myself first.

...Enter the word 'gregarious' into my conversational lingo
Damn, I forgot about this one...

...Make a Puerto Rican friend
Voy a encontrarle!

15. Begin a letter campaign to put pressure on studios to release Webs+er, 15, and Benson on DVD

I swear to God Im drafting a letter by end of business today.

Fun Fact: On Webster, remember his cousin came to live with them cuz his parents went to go work in Nigeria? Did you know that kid Nicky, played by C0rky.Nemec went on to become the title character in P@rker Lewis Can't L0se! I didnt either until I connected some dots via IMDB.


...Contribute to a political campaign (who am I fooling? Something will happen and I'm gonna get pissed and say eff it and not give a eff until I go vote)

I was so right!! I'm conflicted. This Post article basically captures my feelings, but to me right about now the only candidates talking any substance are J.Eds and the ones who got no chance (Kuc!nich/Gr@vel)

...Get tested for ADD (not to be confused with A1DS, which is what this looks like if you read it fast. PS...I been tested)

I cant focus long enough to actually do this. lol

...Publish at least 5 articles
I'm definitely on pace to double this. I think I have 3 under the belt thus far.

...Volunteer at something
Working on it...but taking my classmates down with me. lol

20. Make and market a porn flick (starring someone other than me)
Still accepting audition tapes. No for real. I swear.

...Start the travel group
I'd actually like to try traveling to some spots solo...but I'm also still recruiting for the group. Got a solid group so far, but havent decided on the first big destination.

...Curse in front of my nephews
Done that shit!

...Learn to cook curry goat
Ooooh...havent forgotten this one. Probably gonna do it around Thanksgiving, God willing.

...Get into a good fist fight
Still waiting, bitch! But she's been really asking for it lately...most recently with a minor laundry incident.

25. Pitch the Pilot
Well, it's written...

...No more perms (I'm already 3 months in!)
7 months strong. Big chopped in May.

...Make Amends with the Ex Con
Not there just yet. Might not be for a while.

...Fcuk him and get it out of my system
Ixnay on this one.

...Spend a lot of money on a handbag
I thought about this the other day. Hmm, perhaps this will be my Cmas gift to myself.

30. Wear slutty clothes and kiss random boys in front of my big brothers:)
Done!! Wait, were my brothers there??

So how're YOUR resolutions going? :)

30 Degrees of Vegas

Oh.My.

I'm back.

From Vegas.

It's just after 6 am, and I'm wide awake.

And trust, Weasy aint no morning ho.

Think Im still on that 'party til noon EST' time clock.

Well first, let me sincerely thank y'all for the bday wishes. So sweet, and I tried to respond to them all.

I had a really great birthday, and I cant even tell you how depressed I was when I got off the plane at BWI and heard the first Bawtuhmore accent. *sigh*

It's really over.

Back to reality.

Loser Week has set in HARD.

I got so much to tell yall about my trip...but I can't remember most of it.

So here's what I do recall (cuz lists are my new fav thing)...

30 THINGS I LEARNED IN VEGAS (this will be particularly helpful for you N@BJ folk headed there in August)....

1. What happens in Vegas carries a logistical improbability of occurring anywhere else...so it really does need to stay there.

...You could get shitfaced, layed, win dough and have the time of your life...all within any given one block radius. I do not know this from personal experience.

...I really like to drink. I really, really, really do. And yes, it does feel like a new discovery.

...There is only one black club on the strip, and there really only needs to be, cuz LV is not a black town. But just about every club plays hip hop.

5. White women find me insufferably sexy. Especially naked.

...Ballers really DO have more fun.

...A limo does not a baller make.

...You can't travel with everybody. This applies exponentially to family and childhood friends.

...Dudes are indiscriminately visual. It reminds me of my 2yr old nephew and his obsession with Barney. Toss a girl in shorts on a podium in a club and they will stare without blinking.

10. I'm convinced they have NOTHING else to talk about beyond every woman that walks past. That shit gets boring fast.

...Good food unlocks the key to my panties and burns away the few inhibitions I have left.

...Mehk! Phiffer is taller than I thought. Uglier, too.

...They charge for EVERYTHING...but the club is the only place you cant sneak in.

...I have anti-social tendencies and require alone time.

15. Growing up often means outgrowing the people you grew up with.

...Carry cash. If you charge things, check your account before you leave town cuz those sons of bitches make a killing by double and triple charging your card.

..."Hey hon, I just won at blackj@ck," is the going come on line. It's ok to fall for it the first time.

...The Veg@s industry would be screwed if the immigration cops ever rolls up.

...Toni Br@xton is too old to be on somebody's billboard with her hoot'nanny all out.

20. The Bell@gio hotel has the best buffet in the world. You CAN sneak in...and take home some jumbo shrimp in a napkin to enjoy on the 4-hour flight home. (OK, yeah I do know from personal experience)

...Sneaking in to places shoulda been on my list of things I'll stop doing now that Im 30.

...G'town Hoy@s!!! *clap clap clap clap clap*

...I need to reconcile my interracial issues before I go back.

...Kissing random boys in front of my brothers is gonna be harder than I thought...but they can't stop me from dressing slutty.

25. Don't tell anyone where you're staying...unless you want them to show up. Cuz they will show up.

...Veg@s strippers are as brokedown as the ones in your city.

...Don't try to club hop. Pick one. Go early. Buy bottles and a table.

...I should probably film my first porn there.

...The pool at the H@rd Rock reminds me of the video for 'I Get @round' where 2.Pac was running around in those white shorts sans the ashy negr0 league popping bottles poolside.

30. Orgasms are way more intense at 30.

Honorable Mention: As proven by this couple at my party at Tr.yst nightclub, you're never too old to be gangstaaaaaaa!