Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The List Lives On...

Not even 3 months into my 30th year on earth, and I’ve managed to accomplish a few of the things on my NOW THAT I’M 30 list.

The latest was the one I thought would be most elusive…I had to whup a chick’s azz.

Backstory…
(Dateline – Bawtuhmore, Murrland. The Corner)



This my corner right here. I done seen and heard it all happen right at this crossroad. [Do I sound like Charles.S.Dutt0n yet?]



Well, one night last week, at around, oh, 3 am, I heard trouble coming down the block. Within minutes it had reached the door of my building, and climbed the stairs.

“I told you not to have that last drink, yo. I TOLD you. But you didn’t listen.”

That’s Barnyard, my downstairs neighbor. He’s a dead ringer for Shawn Mar.ion with (pre-last-album-release haircut promo stunt) Busta dreads. Cool, cheerful guy, with no discernable career. (that’s not to say he’s not gainfully and legally employed. I just don’t know what it is. When we first met he told me he travels a lot for work, so I’m guessing something in either music or unemployment). He’s always smiling and always laughing and always surrounded by friends.

Dude also has a penchant for little white women. And weed, but that’s a whole other story. And he ends at least every other sentence with, “YO”. So on this night he and his girl come stumbling in and wake up the block. It’s not usually a big deal, but it’s 3 am on a weeknight, yo.

“Barnyard, why you lying on me?! Why!!” She’s crying hysterically, and by hysterically, I mean slobbering drunk.

“I told you, yo, but you don’t never listen to me! I told you you’re a different person when you drink. Get the fcuk out!” He’s mad calm, and by calm, I mean probably high as fcuk.

They’re nothing if not entertaining. The best part is that he’s usually so impatiently patient. He always calmly takes the time to explain to his girls their ills. Show her a better way. This night it sounded like he was intent on teaching her a lesson.

“You pushing me? Who the fcuk you think you are, little girl? You crazy? Don’t you EVER put your hands on me!”

Then a pause. Almost like the argument was taking a deep breath. Actually, he was choking the chick out.

“Why you choke me?!” (she’s throwing shit around now). “I didn’t do nothing, Barnyard!”

“You didn’t do nothing? You put your effing hands on me and you drunk as shit, yo!”

I always wondered how deep fights in interracial relationships go down. Like, does the chick call him a trifling Nuh, right off the top?

“I’m calling the cops if you don’t get the eff out my house!”

“Barnyard, I’m a white girl and you’re a black man. Who you think they gonna believe?”

I bet she would have had him at, nig.

Anywoo…if you’re just joining us, it’s now 3:30am on a weeknight and they are Ike and Tina’ing it from indoors to out, slamming doors and shouting. Next thing I know, I hear the chick sitting at the bus stop out front, boo hooing.

She’s not outside long. She comes back into the building and starts pounding on Barnyard’s apt. door (which is one flight down from mine).

So I creep over to my door to get a better listen…



He’s not answering and she’s not done pounding. She’s also not keeping in mind that there are two other people who live in the building. And as I looked at the clock, staring down the barrel of 4am, I had had enough.

I open my door and look down the stairs at this pathetic heap of a stringy haired drunken mess. She’s out of her mind… I realize this. And I realize that my presence will only exacerbate the situation. But if I don’t say shit now, this will happen again, at 3am, on a weeknight.

WISE: “Excuse me, Princess. You gotta take all that outside.”

WHITE: “What?! WHAT?! I’m a white girl and you’re black. Who you think they gonna believe?”

WISE: “Believe about what? About you acting like Barnyard lives here alone?” I ask.

WHITE: “Barnyard pays rent up in here. He can do anything he wants!”

WISE: “And how you think I get to stay here? Barnyard isn’t paying MY rent! And it is very late and you are very loud, and I am asking you politely to please bring down the volume.”

WHITE: “Bitch, you don’t tell me ---.”

I was on the steps before she could finish. Clearly, she had me at 'bitch'. And before she could commit a full gasp I calmly lifted this chick off her feet, my fingers rapped securely around her throat. Bitch couldn’t even swallow, yo.

WISE: “The trash is out back.”

And with that, I casually tossed her drunk azz toward the outside door then made my way back up the steps to my crib.

I’m gully and all, but the portion in grey never happened. I’m 30, and well, I know how to choose my battles WISEly. That one woulda been too easy. And too unavoidable. Had I opened my door the girl woulda fcuking flipped and came out of her mouth all wrong, and I woulda HAD to slap her up. And my neighbor woulda HAD to laugh, or help, or be mad, yo. I don’t need no turf war where I live. That’s what work is for.

For now, the list lives on…

21 comments:

Jameil said...

maaaaaaaaan. i was SO excited. you ain't even call the cops?

DurtyMo said...

lmbao! I'm like dis chick is gangsta then I read that the shyt in grey never happened! Ha! At least you tell a good azz story!

La said...

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! GODDAMMIT WISE!!!!

Lemme come to Bmore. I can find a good fight for you, lol

Anonymous said...

First, the picture of your corner had me envisioning you leaning out the upstairs window to observe or participate in something.

LoL I'm with Jam and Durty. Unlike La I ain't going looking for no fights.

Though my disdain for BET runs deep, BET has me with "The Corner" and "The Wire". It's sad that I relate to these shows on the level that I do, but this is "real life", not a dress rehearsal.

I miss Bmore. Corn fields ain't for me.

Anonymous said...

That looks St. paul or charles ...2500 or above block...


hmm... wise getting gully...lol.

I can't believe she came outta her mouth with the "I'm white, you're black" speech to old boy.

ps. missed a dope Slum Village show monday nite

1969 said...

Man...I liked the GREY part! Drunk women are soooo not sexy.

Amadeo said...

You got me with the double post...my comment is all by it's lonely....that has to be Ab-do-do talking about Slum Village.

Anonymous said...

I like Over 30 Wise...grown folks shouldn't fight. In-the-20's Wise mighta beat her ass... not for the "I'm white and you're black" comment... but for just being drunk...or just making unnecessary noise at 3AM.

Wait until you get to be Over 35 Wise... poppiin' sleeping pills with a nightcap...not even caring that fools are loud at 3AM...lol

bloopty!

So...Wise...Sista said...

Jameil...I dont think the cops whup white chicks here, so naw, I didnt call em. lol

Durt...Oh dont let the grey area fool you. I am indeed a scholarly gangsta. I'm like, the gulliest blogger, yo. :) For real, I expect to get locked up by years end for taking somebodys eye out.

LA...I dont know if i can trust you. I think i need to have you go punch a random passerby in the face just to know that you're bout it. lol

CNelly...I stay leanign out my window, but people always looking up, so I also stay lookign and ducking. lol I was hooked on the Corner this weekend. Everytime I see it I catch something new. This time it was Sean Nelson in his draws. lol

You gone already?

Ab...You're very warm with that home locator estimate. lol When she said the I'm white thing, I was SO pissed that i wasnt recording THAT.

And how says I wasnt at Slum Village? Ok, I wasnt. Shoot! I dont know why i thought it was next month.

1969...Actually I happen to be a remarkably sexy drunk...but everybody's blessed in that way. :)

Amadeo...Sorry babes. didnt realize I hiccuped this post twice. This was your old hood, huh? Too bad that's past tense. :(

So...Wise...Sista said...

Blah...If I make it to 35 without releasing some aggression on somebody's face it's a wrap for the drunk chick poppin off downstairs! I may be wrong, but seems to me there's MORE reason to knuckle up the older you get, provided that you can dcipher just cause. Im not talking no, 'she steps on my shoes,' or 'did you just smile at my man'. I'm talking, 'Muhfcuka, do you know that gas is 4bucks a gall, and you got me running all over town chasing your hit and run ass!"

nikki said...

hehehehe...oh, this made my friggin DAY right here.

"Then a pause. Almost like the argument was taking a deep breath. Actually, he was choking the chick out."

sigh...you know i love how you write, right?

i'm glad you didn't do the grey thing, but i would have been happy if you had, too. LOL

hey, it's the 'immature, wanna choke a heffa out' in me.

nikki said...

also, why that fool dating a chick who says stuff like "i'm a white woman and you're a black man...who you think they're gonna believe?!?"

the police should haul his ass away and charge him with gross stupidity.

La said...

Lmao!!!! Aiight Wise, I'm on it. So what's your bout it test?




And just to be clear, I don't fight often or unneccessarily.




But when I do, it goes DOWN. Lol

Amadeo said...

Actually I don't live far from there now...by Montebello. All my peoples moved from that area. Hopkins is taking over!

So...Wise...Sista said...

Nikki...His sanity is severely in question anyways, but apparently that's his kinda chick.

LA...I havent fought since '84, but when it goes down...! lol

Amadeo...I jog around the lake over thurrr...when it's not slave hot as hell outside.

SunshineMama said...

I was reading and planning my comment in my head. It was only going to be one word: "Noooooo...?!" And then the clarity came.

Good one ma, good one!

Sherlon Christie said...

(standing ovation). Now, that's something I need to try if someone gets out of line in my building.

Anonymous said...

You should have went out and whupped her a$$!!! At 4am someone needed to be punished!!

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah. I am gonna need you to call me. I am in desperate need of advice.

Miz JJ said...

Man that story is a mess. He might deserve to deal with that chick, but you sure as hell do not.

Mr.Slish said...

Punk ass....lmaof...

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  • So...Wise??

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