Monday, February 27, 2006

The Fellatio Fall Out

"If you don't go braggin, I might let you have it..."
~Beyonce (without 'Nem) "Check On It"

What’s more political than Capitol Hill, Sam Donaldson, and even a black fist raised high in the sky?

Head. Ya know...




A Professional…

Suckin off…

Slobbin the Knob…

The Lick Down…

Etc., etc. Lemme explain…

I have this friend, Duke. He liked me in high school, meanwhile I was in LOVE with his best friend. Well, besides going to an elite all boys school, Duke wasn’t particularly popular with the ladies at the time, and he felt that one way that he could distinguish himself from his peers was to learn to eat pussy. He confided this plan to me, and I thought it was genius. This was circa 1995 and within the confines of high school culture, so needless to say, NO dudes were going down there. [The other day a self-proclaimed muff diving enthusiast, who is currently trying to get at me, spoke of the irony of how he and his boys wrote a song back in the day called “No Not Down There.” Go figure.]

Duke asked me if I had had a guy go down on me yet. None had. Then he mounted a campaign to convince me to let him do it so that I could critique and give him tips on how to get nice with it. WTF? I wasn’t attracted to Duke in the least. And the idea of letting a guy down there that I didn’t even find cute seemed so absurd.

Alas...I soon agreed…after weeks of aggressive persuasion.

I figured, why the hell not. But really, it was only after we negotiated a strict set of regulations:

#1 – He had one shot. That’s it. No redos.
#2 – No kissing…in the mouth.
#3 – We swore to God that we would not tell anyone. We would take it to the grave.
This one was key for me, because as I said, I WAS IN LOVE with his best friend, and was childhood sweethearts with another of his classmates. I couldn’t risk having him blab to either of them about what happened, or to anyone else for that matter….because left to his own devices, who knows how that story might evolve? “Yeah, I had Wise roast duck style, son!” [Shouts to Slish Nasty for the terminology]

So we plan out the day, and I meet Duke in the park near my house. At the tennis courts? You know how there are some details of your past that you’d rather forget… and I believe I have only retained selective memories on this one…because the place where I remember us meeting… near the public tennis courts… is actually a very highly populated area. So that can’t be right.

Anywho, we crawl into the back seat of his Taurus. The car quickly assumes the aroma of the blueberry Body Shop lotion that I slathered all over me in preparation of this moment. We laugh uncontrollably...nervously, before getting down to business.

Duke’s eyes dangle from their sockets as I awkwardly pull down my best panties. I decline going "all the way," never pulling them over my sneakers and slinging them onto the dusty car floor mat.

He had been studying. What, I don’t know, but he approaches the coochie like a frog he was ready to dissect. [Note to self: Never again will I liken my girl to an amphibian, even if she is mad versatile in and out of water. lol]

So he’s poking and prodding, and I’m straining, lifting my head in a half-azzed crunch…ya know like when you get real lazy with the sit ups... I’m trying to see what the hell he is doing, but REALLY just trying to gauge his reaction to my stuff. Is it tasty? How does it smell? Is it cute? This was a first for me too, shit.

This muhfuckah swishes around a few times, his eyes closed, all intense and trying. He KNEW he was doing something…and I’m lying back like, IS HE?

So within a minute or so he’s established a pattern of alternating sucks and licks and finger swirls. Thinking back, and knowing what I know now, he might have been onto something if only he were really committed. But I think that he was self-conscious…what with me just sitting there silently, and all. I don’t think he banked on that part of it. His research probably assured him I’d be bucking and calling Jehovah by now. No dice.

Then he wants to switch it up.

“Sit on my face.”

That’s where I had to draw the line. I bust out laughing and try to sit up, but he starts pleading for me to let him finish strong. I suppress my girly giggles and lay back and watch the leaves sway in the wind outside. It just feels like there's a tongue and finger on my girl…there's really no pleasure in it for me. I'm so ready to call it a day and head over to the tennis courts to see who's out…[and potentially a witness to this madness.]

“You came,” he informs me.

“Huh?” I answer, startled by the sudden break in silence.

So I get a little wet. Sue me. But hear him tell it, I'm a fountain sprouting sheer satisfaction. I was new but not THAT damn new.

I still believe to this day that Duke hasn’t blabbed our secret. [FYI – telling y’all don’t count] Our hometown ain’t but that big, so it would have gotten back to me within moments of him telling…and this was before cell phones and IM. Most of us didn’t even have email accounts yet back in '95.

But can you imagine if he had told? Can you imagine how that would have ruined me? Ruined my trust in guys? Ruined my chances with the respectable guys I liked? Ruined my anonymity with the dudes on the prowl for freaks. I would have been the star of the freak crew! I couldn’t have that…

So understand fellas, why I would not have DREAMED of reciprocating with this guy. Granted, he and I were not on it like that…but even my friends who had steadies in high school were not going down on no damn boys. That honor was left to the suburban white girls. The girls who didn’t care if they had a ho rep in the city because they didn’t live in the city. The girls who didn’t see anything wrong with that rep because they craved that ho attention.

And trust, my brothers and my guy friends had PLENTY of stories floating about THOSE girls. They would talk for hours about how much game it took to convince her to do it. Or how she wanted to do it. Or how long it took for him to get his. How she swallowed. Or how he would forcefully jam his penis down her throat. Or involuntarily, yet unapologetically hit her in the head if her teeth got in the way. Or how she couldn’t see for a whole hour after he caught her square in the eye. Or how they would never call her again, but would definitely pass her on to the next guy.

Where I'm from, there was simply nothing worse than a Dick Sucker.

But most girls, present company included, grew up and defined our own sexuality on our own terms. We outgrew the stigmas and the confines of what we’d been told was too many partners, too few, and how far we should go and how soon. But for many girls like me, dick sucking remained the last bastion of sexual repression. Why?

Cuz dudes talk too fucking much.

And for some women, that stigma has not been forgotten. We can laugh about this now, yet somehow, it seems that guys do not mature proportionately. First off, in my circle, it wasn’t that long ago that my guy friends let go of their own stigmas about going down on women. So for a woman to go down when a guy ain’t thinking about it, is absurd.

But secondly, while women are growing up and not giving a fuck about what society says about women who do go down…they still end up getting screwed on the back end…so to speak…when word gets back to her or her friends of all of the “sordid” things she did to a guy. Things that brought her AND HIM pleasure. Things that she waited a long time to do without fear of blemishes to her character.

Things that you men go back and tell your boys in a way that vilifies her, instead of celebrating her. If a woman sucks your dick well, keep that shit to yourself. But more importantly reward her! Bring your ass down there and go head to head with her. “Face Off” as my boy Trevor says. Respect the fact that dick sucking is a political balancing act, waging pure sexuality and desire against public perceptions, repercussions and assumptions. Acknowledge that there is a certain powerlessness that a woman feels when she is scrutinized for her sexual expression. If a guy goes down he’s a hero, but if a chick does she’s nasty...even if you SAY she's sexy. Huh?

I’ve seen dudes defile women openly in forwarded emails, websites and on their blogs, blabbing casually using thinly veiled nicknames for women who have gone down on them. Are you kidding me? It’s one thing to recap a sexual tryst or two or three…but to tell her business for the sake of embarrassing her or perhaps propping up your own ego is the ultimate in Bitch Tactics. Shame on you.

Me personally, I’m not much of a dick sucker to begin with. I never had any inclination to do it because I was so programmed to believe that I would be labeled loose and powerless. When I became involved in a serious relationship with someone that I loved and trusted I became a Head Case. Couldn’t tell me I wasn’t nice with it.

Now that I’m unattached again, I’m too old for the casual sex thing, but definitely not above giving in to a guy with a hurricane tongue. Yet, I won’t front, I’m singing the “No Not Down There” song when he grabs his nuts in anticipation. Why? Because at my age dudes are dirty like that, who the hell knows where they’ve been! But more importantly, it’s all politics. I’m too old to be having my name circulating among the almost 30-yr old group of dudes who till make a sport of bedding women. The politics that would give a man a sense of power above me, despite the fact that I don’t give a fuck what anyone, society or otherwise has to say about what I do in the sack.





A Professional…

Suckin off…

Slobbin the Knob…

The Lick Down…

I wouldn’t give a ngga the satisfaction. Cuz y’all talk too damn much.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Soulmates Dissipate

I have a feeling this has something to do with Valentine’s Day….somebody fucked up and forgot the rose petals…

Thank you Shani and Chad (Chani) for giving us a reason to watch.
You have unselfishly aired your dirty spandex one-pieces for all the world to enjoy. And for that we thank you. You stand proudly in the company of:

And them... And these winners...

Holy shit, these dudes are bonin! You can’t tell me they’re not. Did you see the Shani feature package on Saturday? He reminisced about his days walking through the SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO rocking an off the shoulder BONNIE BLAIR sweatshirt. Classic.

And how come Chad exudes that George Michael “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” energy? Like he should be skating in a white jump suit with feathered bangs.

That closet door is hanging off the hinges. In all honesty it’s hard for me to believe that two adults would embarrass themselves to this degree on such a huge stage. [For the record, I’m riding with Shani on this one, ashy lips and all]. I wish the two were a bit more media savvy, articulate and mature.

But love sometimes renders you stupid.


Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Booty Blabbers

Well? So how did it go? You came correct, you took your jump offs to IHOP (and paid!)…or you treated your girlfriends to a Valentine’s spa day. Good work…

But did you get any? And more importantly, if you did would you tell? I mean would you tell ME, because chances are you already told your boys how it all went down. That’s what guys do, they tell. Girls do to, to some degree. But it never seems as, I don’t know, inappropriate. Maybe it should. Maybe I’m biased. Maybe I just don’t know the guys’ side of the story. What I do know is that my girls have a lot more sex than I hear about. Yet it would appear that my guy friends can’t shut up about new “conquests.”

“Yes, he FINALLY stayed the night and we got busy.” That’s what my girls would say.

“You remember the girl I intro’d you to at D’s party? Yo, she purrs when we hit. Is that normal?” That’s what one of my boys will say.

“Lemme tell you about dude from the bbq. Long story short, I fucked him, and ….” My girls.

“I smashed.” My dudes.

She was right; she was up in the Range man (she know me)
Dropped her off at the L, now I'm flippin the cell
That's right, I had to call up L
Yo L (whattup?) I hit (what else)
Plus dome (say word), and we got it on tonight
~"Hey Ma", Cam & Juelz
(I swear there won't be any more DipSet references on this damn blog!)

Perhaps the differences are only subtle, but I detect a gender distinction here. But I would like to know from guys…is telling your friends part of the excitement of sex? And how much do you tell? Do you just give the highlights, or do you do a full blow by blow of positions and conversations and setting? And do your boys ask follow up questions? And since men are allegedly such vision creatures, do y’all like, SHOW and tell?

As always, I do have a point with this. A personal story actually. But I’m not quite ready to share it yet. During the long weekend out of town, I essentially reached my tipping point. And I’m very interested in knowing what people think about going public with their sexual experiences. Holler at me…

Monday, February 13, 2006

Dick is a Rider!

Holy shit! Dick Cheney is the GULLIEST VP since, like, Aaron Burr. That muhfucka is in the wrong field. Put his old azz on the front lines...or in the hood at least.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Bitch Dudes: A Case Study

Now back to regularly scheduled programming. I’ve been recently sidetracked by surveys, jacked by jet lag, and derailed by the death of Civil Rights….but today I am itching to get back on my public service grind. This has been on my mind for some time, so it’s long overdue. Today I devote my attention and affection to BITCH DUDES.

I’ll let you know right now, if you are overly sensitive to gender roles, or a purveyor of political correctness [read: a brotha with a weak stomach], point your browser elsewhere. Bec I don’t have time to mince words, cater to egos and be more objective…and in fact, if this bothers you, and you have a penis, you might see your reflection all over this post.

Bitch Dude: n. – 1. A hetero guy who has the annoying attributes of an overbearing woman; as in, one who constantly whines, complains, has an attitude, pouts, holds grudges, and argues to no end. – 2. A guy who is inconsistent, indecisive and unable to take responsibility for mistakes, or ignorance.

There are varying degrees of bitchiness, but the conclusion is always the same, you always wanna tell his azz to MAN UP. Now lemme say that I am not one to ever contest a man’s sexuality. But Bitch Dudes usually carry that suspicion.

Still confused? Here are some of your favs:

Cam’ron is the Shut the Fugg Up BD. He just talks too much...50% of what he says is some kind of grandiose boast (‘This groupie was on me, and I passed her on to my crew’…how philanthropic of you); 40% is him complaining (‘I was supposed to be the president of The Roc until Jay came back from St. Tropez!’); and the last 10% no one’s listening to anyway. Mind you, this has nothing to do with the 7 minute Jay-Z dis/cry for attention (tell the truth, dude always takes like a full 45 secs to spit 2 bars)…but has a lot to do with the fact that I live in DipSet territory, and am reminded of his punk purple poser prowess every time I duck into the bodega on 140th and Lenox for a Corona.

Kobe is probably my fav BD. Fav as in, the one I most like to analyze and vilify. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but he qualifies bec of his demeanor, that bitch azz swagger he carries. He has this ridiculous chip on his shoulder and he is under the impression that he is way more loved than he is…this of course, was before he dropped 81, bec I tend to agree with Scoop Jackson when he says that Kobes blacked out bec he thinks the world hates him. No, no, I’m talking about Booed in Philly, Gas Face Kobe. You know this BD in your real life... He takes himself WAY too seriously, employs a solid set of values that are much more about what he thinks will make him seem mature and professional than what he actually passionately believes.

Ahh the next is a very popular one…BD that goes public when he doesn’t get the equivalent of the Album of the Year Grammy – ya know, that promotion at the job, an office position in his professional organization, the girl of his dreams, the girl working the drive-thru, etc. He believes so highly of himself, but refuses to acknowledge that his attitude is annoying and that his complaining is juvenile and unattractive. We call him the Minstrel BD, bec he goes to great lengths to bitch out. [Is often compared to Shut the Fugg Up BD.]

Derived quite closely from the Minstrel BD is the Thug BD. This one is essentially also really good at something, is desperate for acclaim and recognition, usually gets it, but still finds other shit to cry about. Pushes good people out of his circle for not agreeing with him (Coach Brown). Loves to throw blame. I hate to say this, but AI is notorious. ["Practice???"] Dawg, slacks. A sweater. Rest the bling. Most jobs have this policy. Grow up, and more importantly, MAN UP. [I’m a fan, but he' still annoying]

Now granted, he got my vote in 2000, and I will go to my grave knowing in my heart that he was robbed (and knowing that I earned my stripes in the newsroom during this election season)…but Al Gore is the kind of BD that won’t let it go. It’s 6 years later and he has these random public moments where he is still talking about how he got robbed. But he’s mad snooty with his. Turns up his nose and smirks, but is still hurting inside. He’s on the DL with his, not realizing how transparent his pain is. He needs to go on Dr. Phil and just cry and then heal! Let go, let flow!

You get my drift…the point of all of this? Well it’s personal really. Nothing gets under my skin more than a Bitch Dude. He's the homeboy who brings you his drama, and it baffles you when he can’t see why he can’t find a good woman.

He’s the one who, like Cam, whines about women who play him out, but is unwilling to see that they were honest with him all along.

Like Kobe he has a chip on his shoulder bec he assumes that his degree, pay stub and work ID make him a great catch (personality be damned, I guess).

He sides with Kanye bec he has never been late to work and his evaluation reflects his excellence. So with that said, we should not only think he’s amazing, but we should also suck his dick just because! And suck it well! [Stay tuned for "Why She’s Not Giving You Head, Even if You Do Her First"]

He’s the guy in your life who throws adolescent tantrums when you have to cancel on him. [Zig Zaggy cornrows are optional, tho it all sort of makes sense when you see that he actually dresses like a child too...fellas, visible boxer briefs or oversized jerseys are neither grown, nor sexy]

Finally, he might also rear his bitch azz like our former Vice President…ya know, he finds it necessary to blast some random chicks who just weren’t feeling him, and can’t seem to let go of all the things she did to show him just that.

Fellas, you think I’m berating, but I’m simply holding up a mirror. And I’m doing so in a highly subjective (tongue deep in cheek) manner. My hope is that we can all find love…and to that end, we must all find ourselves. Let’s all, guys and girls alike, commit to an honest examination of self. Let’s understand why it seems there are no sistas feeling you. Why there are no good brothas out there. And perhaps on that journey, we will all meet in the middle, and find true love. Fuck the career.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

“Will words become deeds that meet needs?”

“Will words become deeds that meet needs?”
Rev. Joseph Lowery

I got an email reminding me to watch Mrs. Coretta Scott King’s service live on TV. I am so moved at this occurrence. So inspired by the gathering of wealth and influence, faith and power in that big black church in Atlanta.

Jimmy and Ros Carter, Bill & Hill, Dub and Laura and Dad (where’s Barb) all in a row. Shrouded respectfully in Black. Paying much respect.

Senators and Congressmen and women. Sharptons and Jacksons. Bishops and Pastors.

The King children, sitting like solemn ducks in a row…the very same little children that we remember from vivid black and white images, mourning, but perhaps not fully understanding that their daddy was gone for good. Today they must know what the flags waving at half-staff at federal buildings nationwide mean.

Hopefully, there are classrooms full of children watching this as well, a real life supplement to their Black History Month lesson plans.

Now you know I had to hit ya with some highlights…I’m telling you right now, Oprah got something going on over there at Harpo, cuz I’ll be damned if Maya Angelou NEVER looks THIS feeble when she’s on O’s couch! Oh my, she looks so old today. Perhaps it’s just mourning her dear friend. Ok, I was wrong for that. [BTW, Mrs. Coretta's Oprah makeover was amazing!]

Did we pay for our representatives to attend this photo op? Did they private jet-pool? Did Barack have to roll with the Black Caucus?

I love how CNN brought in Will Jelani Cobb to co-commentate, as if this was in another language and he was the interpreter.

Is it me or is Bill Clinton taking this whole 1st Black President thing a lil far. When he called for an elevation in the state of the King Center, citing that Atlanta has the second “richest Black Folks in the country. What y’all gonna do?” I swear I was waitin for him to throw in “ngga” for good measure! He was so on point, tho. he in an interracial relationship? Cuz any time Hillary tries to get her Negro on, she’s shut down like a Busta video shoot (no pun).

Do you think the real beef btwn Martin III and Dexter is literally like a few dozen sirloins?

Have you considered what YOU will do to carry on the legacy? We’ve been bombarded by politics and mourning, decries for peace and a renewed commitment to civil rights. But like Rev. Lowery, in perhaps the most charismatic of speeches on Tuesday, I’m eager to know, “Will words become deeds that meet needs?” ...Shout to Errin Haines, whose coverage I read in papers in 3 different cities on the road this week.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Fast FWDs...

Last week it was the damn Jamie Foxx email, this week it's this 'Getting to Know You' email, which I've received about 10 times in the past 4 days. I think the Bush administration is leaking this since I'm anti-establishment and shit, I have originated a new that will give you much more insight than knowing the color of your friend's bedroom carpet...unless of course your friend is a redhead.:) [PS - I'm told the rug matches the curtains]

1. If you could grab any famous person's azz, who would it be and why? Will Smith, cuz it's juicy and I love him and I think he would let me. More importantly I think Jada would let me too.

2. If you could switch lives with Paris Hilton, would you? Yup, and I would watch her dumb azz drive down Genny every day, or ride the 2 train, or go to a hood grocery store, or put in a full days work (even half a day!), pump gas, or see my account balances, etc.

3. If your best friend of the opposite sex was not your best friend, would you wanna hit? I wanna hit now!

4. What's the last thing you stole? A few extra sugar cookies from the Kid's jar at Wegmans.

5. Would you rather walk around smelling like food or smoke? How dope is it to go into a bar or club in NYC and not have to come home and wash the Newportness out of your hair? Now what if they also banned food from the scene! With that said, I'd rather smell like a chicken wing.

6. If you could give yourself head would you? How often? I think I would bec, ya know, how can you expect someone else to please you if you can't please yourself, right? (Daily)

7. If yes, would that make you a homo? Guys, yes. Chicks, just experimenting.

8. Is 'homo' a bad word? I hope not, sissy.

9. If you could be another race which would you be and why? Latina, OBVIOUSLY, bec as Khalid Muhammad once said, "the same dog that bit us bit them, too" they be getting cast in ALL the rap videos right now. Plus they take care of their men, dont they brothers? Shit, no matter what I decide I'd be statistically a step closer to the alter than my black azz is now!

10. Think of your most passionate career would you elect to have that exact job today if you had to agree that on your 60th birthday you would get what Muhammad Ali got? Well, that would at least guarantee you'd live to at least 60. Life expectancy for nggas is only like, 47, so that might be a good look. But then on the other hand, if you just work hard and try to reach it that way, you wouldn't have to face people saying that you sure got your azz kicked in that career and didn't know when to hang it up!

11. If you could kill someone without going to jail or having violent flashbacks or guilt, would you? I think I might, actually, esp if it might improve my credit score.

12. If you could know how/when you would die would you want to know? NO! What are you gonna do, brace yourself??

13. Would you want to have vision like those lights at nightclubs where you could see everything crawling on you, not just lint? That shit would be too distracting. But I would want to see the creepies that other people walk around with.

14. What is your philosophy on life? It's a it knowing that you control your destiny. Whatever, that's not really what I believe, but it's theoretically true. For real, for real, it sucks for some, great for others.

15. On death? It blows.

16. On virginity? Underrated.

17. Which would you rather give up, TV or music? Music, cuz you could still watch MTV...or would those channels always be on mute? Hmm...

18. If you could only listen to 3 songs for the rest of your life what would they be? Damn! Today my choices are: "That Name" by Yolanda Adams, "Shame on a Nuh" by WuTang, The Theme from Good Times...tomorrow I'm sure I'd have 3 new ones.
19. Would you rather have true love or a great career? True Love! Screw work.

20. What scene from a movie or TV show would you love to live? The scene from Roseanne where they won the lotto (definitely jumped the shark with that nonsense)

21. Who on your sent list is most likely to lie on their taxes? Me or Girl.

22. Who on your list is least likely to get married? Biggus (Punkin and Mama K. are being very patient throughout your white girl phase) lol

23. If you could put your name on any book and say you wrote it what would it be? PUSH by Saffire

24. Would you rather be a crackhead or a midget? Me, Whitney and Bobby!

25. Would you rather date a midget or a Nazi? Holy shit! No comment.

26. Would you rather burn or freeze? Just call me a California wildfire!

27. If you could beat up anyone on your list who would it be? The first person to doubt I would do it.

28. Would you rather be beautiful or brilliant? One or the other?...hmm... smart enough to figure out a way to appear attractive.

29. Do you have a secret crush on anyone? It's probably no secret.

30. Are you currently leading someone on? Only until my b-day. ;)

Now for the Classics (my crew knows what time it is...and it's time to update)...

For $1Million would you....

...Let Shaq kick you in the mouth?
...Be locked in a cage with a bear for 1 minute? 2 minutes? 3 minutes?
...Chase down and bite a squirrel?
...Eat a shit shake (human and animal)?

Ans: I pretty much can't think of very many things I would not do for a quick (tax-free) mil.

NOW the fun part...I'm tagging anyone who thinks their answers are better than mine! :)

Disqus for She's Just Not Feeling You...

  • So...Wise??

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    Our Nation's (HIV) way of Harlem, NY and Upsteezy NY
    I'm older than I look, and stupider than you think. But I'm quite proud of my sharp eye for The Ridiculous, and by Ridiculous, of course I mean Me.