Monday, October 20, 2008


I grew up with dudes who played sports. Came to school in crispy Jordans and shiny mesh shorts that hung just at the knee. There was always a boxer briefs waistband visible. But that was all.

And even if they weren't good at sports they were obsessed with SportsCenter. They talked about it incessantly.

I grew up with dudes who had female friends. Not BFFs tho. Be clear...they'd blaze given the opportunity. But they'd talk shit and cuss and let fly a few bitch and ho references in front of their homegirls with absolutely no offense intended and none taken.

I grew up with dudes who defended said female friends. I could go out and feel like I was surrounded by secret.service. If anyone ever got slick with me there'd be a dude there to handle it before I even had a chance to ask.

Dudes I grew up with had other guy friends. WTF is this lonesome ngga phenomenon? Has it always existed where guys sit at home night after night watching movies by themselves? Where is your boy? You know, the cat that comes over the crib with some brew??? Guys are fairly simple creatures. Easily relateable with few strict requirements outside of loyalty. So I slant a mean skepty eye to any guy who proudly exclaims that he doesn't have any male friends.

Guys I grew up with want pussy. And lots of it. Even now as adults. Some married. That's not to say that they whore around or even step out on their women. But it IS to say they have libidos. Asexual ass nggas frighten me.

I grew up with straight dudes. And gay ones. But very few of this ridiculously ambiguous bitch ngga shit.

I grew up with white dudes who grew up with black dudes. And vice versa. And they have dude things in common like pussy, beer, and the Lakers.

Nggas I grew up with iron the shit out of every outfit they put on. The smell of starch always makes me smile.

The dudes I grew up with got their hair cut religiously, have precision-cut goatees, own no less than two durags, a brush for home, work and car, and two maybe three pairs of dress shoes. And they are not in any way metro.

Dudes I grew up with work. And dance. And don't need to be asked twice for them to fuck you.

They also have issues. But they deal with them. And said issues are rarely deep enough to make them disown their parents or siblings.

There are certain songs and certain artists that remind me of certain people. That's because dudes I grew up with commit classic rap lyrics to memory. Mobb Deep and the "Reasonable Doubt" album are two examples.

Where I'm from dudes smile. And grind on a girl when they dance. Their eyes hone in on fat asses, and follow them around corners until out of sight. They hold doors open no matter what. They don't eat in front of folks without offering. They use pronouns like yo and B. and son and kid and ngga and cracker and money to punctuate every sentence. They called their fathers Pops even if he wasn't ever around. They're emotionally unavailable to any woman except their mothers or sisters or daughters. They refuse to allow a woman to sit in the backseat of a car with two dudes up front. Like, they will fight you over this. They change their own car air filters and flat tires. They sometimes wait til they're reduced to tears to go to the doctor. They feel no kinda way about crying at a loved one's funeral or to express love for their friends and families and women.

Not all dudes are from where I'm from. And that's a shame. Cuz dudes I grew up with are my kinda guys.


It may seem silly but I haven't come across this kinda regular guy in a very long while. Times have changed I guess.

Guys who are into poetry and fashion and technology and dvd collections and the mall and upscale eateries are fun. They surround me daily. But where is the guy in sweatpants who always has the game on? The one who will push me damn near off a bar stool if I try to pay for their drinks. Where's the guy who doesn't mind driving when we go out? Who isn't emotionally scarred by my mood swings. Who is conflicted about commitments but doesn't use it as an excuse.

I miss him.

Monday, October 13, 2008


As if I havent sufficiently exposed my bare naked ass enough on this damn blog for the last 3 years, Lauren wants more.

Ok lemme see...

1. I remember vividly the day I decided to quit eating boogers cold turkey. I was really little, and I didnt even really like boogers, but I saw other kids doing it. But then it occurred to me that it was pretty stupid, not to mention nasty. So I stopped. I've only regressed a few times since.

2. When I lived in NY during jr year I used to exist mostly on leftover green room breakfast and a slice of pizza every day. One time I was plotting on walking out of the Chinese buffet without paying, but the sons of bitches followed my black ass around like they knew I was up to no good. And when I threw down the container full of sesame chicken and stormed out crying racism, they pretty much just cleaned it up and kept it moving.

3. As my childhood bedroom was right across the hall from my parents, I would on occasion hear them having sex. One time I confronted my mom the next morning in metaphorical terms and she flat out denied it. I was maybe 8.

4. I'm immune to weed. I'm Jamaican, don't smoke, have inhaled, have lived with daily smokers and have never been all that high.

5. I'm fcuking a blogger that half you muhfcukas would loooooove to get at and that's all you need to know about that until further notice. Don't hate.

6. I don't know how to make friends. I'm absolutely lousy at it. I have almost no friends that are not from some sort of controlled situation like school or work.

7. I once kissed a girl on the banks of the Mississippi River. It was all poetic and shit. And fantastic.

8. I write best when I'm drunk but I always pass out before I can formulate a complete sentence. I have 3 writing projects that remain incomplete because I'm a loser who can't finish anything either always or never drunk. I'm probably afraid of success, or more accurately afraid of failure.

9. My dead dad made an appearance last week, and it was a huge help.

10. I'm a really efficient stalker and I did some reconn work the other day that I now regret.

Happy? Huh?? No seriously, I miss you guys. But since we being honest and all I'm not gonna front like other bloggers who disappear and say, "I've been away but I've still been reading all of you." Yo, I aint been reading shit that aint on tv school related. What can I say, my life blows. No need to drag you all thru it. :)

Wednesday, October 08, 2008


One year ago...

There’s that moment when the exhaustion burns from the whites of your eyes, straight back to the hook of your damn head.

If you peep over at the clock radio you’ll be at once rendered blind by the hot, fuzzy red, and incredulous at how much time has escaped you. How little is left before you must abandon your bed.

Speaking of which…the sheets are bunched up in all the wrong places. Pillows stationed at random checkpoints, marking spots where you’d posted up for undetermined stretches of time.

Your stomach is folding over itself, and you wonder if this is what happens when you’re asleep...bec that’s what you should be doing at this particular moment.

But who can sleep at 1, 2, 3, 4 in the morning…

“You see what time it is?”

“I don’t care to look.”

The newness blossoms in the wee hours. The fundamental necessity of sleep is rendered optional, when you lose yourself and all track of time within the amusing cadence of the voice in your ear. Laughing, sighing, and making a mockery of your anytime minutes. ;)

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  • So...Wise??

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    Our Nation's (HIV) way of Harlem, NY and Upsteezy NY
    I'm older than I look, and stupider than you think. But I'm quite proud of my sharp eye for The Ridiculous, and by Ridiculous, of course I mean Me.