Friday, May 26, 2006

Vernal Equinox


There is a smile on my coochie today.

Huh?

Well, I hibernate during the winter. It annoys the shit out of me when I complain about bitter winter weather and seasonal depression, only to have someone point out that being from the arctic northeast, I “should be used to it.”

That’s like telling Sophia she shouldn't trip off Harpo blacking her eye since “all her life she had to fight…”

I digress...

So now that the earth below is thawed, and the sun is emerging and making way for tank tops and toes out, I too, am beginning to emerge from under the down duvet. So to commemorate Memorial Day...and some pending penis, I took a trip to a good friend who knows me more intimately than most.

She works in a nice part of town that takes me about 10 minutes to reach. But when I do I am nervous and antsy, yet constantly reminding myself that the visit is pointless unless I relax. The waterfall in the lobby of her building helps...until it coerces my bladder. Damn!

Thank God the elevator is empty, it allows me 35 whole seconds of breathing and pacing. I get off, toss my freshly wrapped hair...finally grown out from that severe winter butchering...and strut to the rhythm of my heels on hardwood.

Today, I walks like reggae.

"Hi, I'm Wise...here to see Michelle."

Before I can even park in the overstuffed love seat, my home girl floats out and nods for me to follow her to her office. I shoot back up and press play, again walking and humming in my head, almost slow-windin' down the hall.

"I love that hat, Wise," Michelle says over her shoulder. "What is that, velvet? Can I touch it?" I lean in, satisfied at the attention.

I ponder the irony...that this is the very effect I'm going for...the EXACT reason I'm here to see Michelle in the first place.

"Nice!" she says, as we turn the corner, past several serene side rooms.

"How long has it been?"

I pause for a second, not sure what she's asking. How long since I straddled his face?? That's where MY head was...but why is SHE going there?

"I'm sorry?"

"Your last time here?" Oh.

I settle into her office, a compact cube with candles and an air of sterility. Within minutes Michelle's gone and my clothes are folded neatly on the table beside me. My back is resting on a bed of feathers, an immaculately clean and fluffy white towel covering my vitals.

"I hope you don't mind that I brought music this time. Helps me relax."

She smiles wide, winks. Then gets to work.

The hot wax is a cruel illusion. It feels divine as it's smeared on my skin, like warm peanut butter spread on a slice of whole wheat (or in my case pumpernickel). But then it is quickly covered and ripped away. The skin of my groin is Cinderella...the hair there is her plan for a booty call with the Prince...the wax and linen strips are the heartless stepmama and trifling sisters.

An agonizing baldface crime.

The effects of winter are brutally snatched from my snatch...yet I remain calm. Humming soft rock hits now.

I've always wanted to visit Brazil, but not if this is how they treat folks. Not that I expect impeccable hospitality from someone wearing rubber gloves, but I'm sayin. In case you have yet to go, ummm, international, a Brazilian wax is when they unceremoniously take off ALL your hair south of the equator, including where they say the sun don't shine. Butt... it's springtime, and the sun doth shine, and I want to soak it up.

I'm no virgin to waxing down there, but it still feels a lot like blunt trauma every damn time. Solicited trauma, mind you. I go to the spa under my own volition. Make a damn appointment even. I ASK for a woman who resembles the bitch I almost beat up after a softball game in 9th grade, to lift my legs, line my azz cheeks with hot molten lava/wax and wipe from back to front.

Then basically do the same thing DIRECTLY on my kisser, with the tenderness of an elephant applying, ummm, lipliner. Oh she's precise, but not very sensitive considering she got the same thing I got and should know better. Her fingers are all up in my underworld, and it's imperative to rationalize the fact that I'm not in the least bit aroused by this/her. She's a two-minute sister, and for that (for once) I am grateful.

I instruct Michelle to give me a "triangle". [think... dudes circa 1991 with a Nike swoosh cut in their fades.]

I don't do the "landing strip" cuz I just watched Elie Wiesel on Oprah for the last two days, I read his book "Night" in high school, and frankly, that landing strip shit resembles Hitler's mustache.

I don't like the "Kojak"...ya know, a full baldy. Because I'd be a tad remiss to arouse a man with privates that are a pre-pubescent throwback. I mean, I already look young for my age, I don't need to be some sick fcuk's kiddie porn fetish.

To me the triangle is more than the Phil Jackson (or Tex Winters for you anal purists) classic offense, it's a reliable defense. It takes Michelle no time at all to shape up my isosceles.

When it's all said and done, it's cute. Dammit, gorgeous even. Breathtaking. Silky. Ventilating. Laying on my back, at home in my bed looking down at it I see an upside down frown...kind of like my disposition this time of year. It signifies the beginning of spring, when I get hot in the pants. I get plenty aroused when my fresh fade is admired and caressed. Like a good tan, or a new tattoo, fly new pumps or new chrome rims...I wanna show it off.

"What is that velvet?" I can now lean in and bask in the attention. Front and back, nggas!

SMILE!

39 comments:

Mr.Slish said...

Sing along!!! Back and Front. Front and Back.

So whats his name.Someone is about to get the so wise special. Getting all clean shaven and shit. Quoting Mr T .I FEEL SORRY FOR THE FOOL!!!! ..lol

Knockout Zed said...

This is like that shit from the Wu Tang's first album.

"Torture, muthafucka, torture."

You killin' me mama!

My mind's eye never turns off.

KZ

i like liquor and tv said...

rofl..you made it sound..almost FUN

T. Cas said...

you did all that for me... I feel so special. LOL

Seriously yet another reason I'm glad I am not a woman.

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

ouch! i think...? I think a before & after shot would have been appropriate in this case.


ace

So...Wise...Sista said...

Slishy...truth be told, I'd go back to front even if there wasn't any action. I can't explain it...maybe like the freedom of freeballing for dudes? It just feels so...niiiiicce. And looks fantastic!


KZ..."I fcukin, I fcukin', strap you to a table and rip the fcuking hair out ya fcukin skin, god! Yeah A LOT like that!


Liqs...It's kinda like drinking til you hurl. It sucks coming up...but when it's all said and done it was probably a great night!


TCas...gimme your hand...;)


Rev...Oddly enough I did have a before shot on my cellie...but I dropped it in the grocery store the other day and the screen went blank...had to get a new phone and lost all my fun flicks and text msgs! HATE that shit. I tell you, I'm Gordon Parks (RIP) with a camera phone!

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

"but I dropped it in the grocery store the other day and the screen went blank"

Shit! same sort of thing happened to me about two weeks ago. my own fault and a totally unsmooth move: Im walking down the street Trying to flip the phone open with one hand- launch it out of my hand into the street. lands in the middle- and breaks in half. I goto pick up the pieces, and a UPS truck barrels over the carnage. I just left it there, and looked around to see how many people were laughing at me.

aquababie said...

i must applaud you! you don't make sound like it hurts. i've shaved and gone bald down below, but never a brazilian.

Lunatic ILL said...

Ha ha!!!

I Haven't Been To Your Blog In A Hot minute But You Have Me Laughing Out Loud...

And Am I Gonna Go To Hell For Visualizing?

jameil1922 said...

augharaughgggggggggggggh!! no thanks!! clearly DON'T want that. so upset at the vivid wax description. scared and appalled.

LMAO @ the reverend!!! that was hilarious! something out of a movie.

DP said...

uh..i feel guilty.


Im going to bed right now..cause i feel like...i saw something iwasnt supposed to see.


*leaves completely discombobulated.*

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Please welcome Ken Lay formerly of Enron with his new venture....after the whole.....incident

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

I...can't...the self inflicted pain...omigosh. I got my eyebrows waxed and almost died. Last x-mas, I tried threading...brazillian?? I can't!

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

wonderful post though!! i love the candidness!!! get some for me girl!!!

SunshineMama said...

Who knew anyone could write a about a waxing so creatively...at first I didn't know what was goin on! ...only you SoWise, only you. Talent girl. talent.

So...Wise...Sista said...

Damn Rev...sounds like you were having the worst day ever! Losing a cell phone to an auto accident would send me over the edge for sure. Damn Sprint!


Aqua...If I gave the impression that the shit don't hurt...I have mislead you. BUT...it's only a temporary hurt...and it's sooooo worth it when you see the results. Honestly I think most of the pain is the nervousness of having a strange woman down there all in your girl parts...unless that's your thing, I guess. but even if it is this is still a stranger and she aint stroking you gently! lol


Lunatic...Well welcome back...don't be leaving and not coming back!
"And Am I Gonna Go To Hell For Visualizing?"

Hmm...hell? You gotta ask Rev that one, but I don't mind my close up...long as you visualize my good side. ;)


Oh dear sweet Jameil...are you one of those people who say that something's gross before you taste it. Like "Oh my gosh, there is no way I'm eating caviar!" Well if you are, then I know that trying to convert you is a futile attempt...but if you're NOT, then giiiiirl, lemme tell you...Not appalling at ALL! The results are fantastic. Trust Mother!


DP...Did you at least...like...what you...saw? lol


Welcome Ken Lay! Wouldn't it be fun if they put your thieving azz UNDER the jail! (Rev, you're so silly)


Thanks Kutie!...I wax my brows every now and then. It hurts. I prefer threading bec it's faster. It REALLY hurts. Brazilians...also hurt. But the end product is exponentially better than the results of a perfect arch... And believe me, I'm obsessed with my brows cuz I dont do eye makeup. And I'm no masochist!


Mama Hokai...Talent or just too much time on my hands? lol


To all...you ever plan to go out...go home...get ready...and then wait on your peoples to call you when they're ready? What do you do if after waiting you dont feel like going? I've been drunk for most of the day at bbqs, and going out seemed logical...until I got home and had a chance to sit down. Thought that getting online for a hot sec would help pass the time...but it's only made me want to snuggle in and catch the Sopranos on HBO West coast. lol

Bout to make that call...

nikki said...

i have never had a brazillian wax and after reading this entry, i have finally decided to try it. lol@"what is dat, velvet?"

i had a brotha tell me recently he likes it all shaved off. now nobody's gonna mistaken me for a little kid but i was still like "uh...that's just nasty."

then he told me he shaves his area. that turned me off COMPLETELY. i like a grown man to look grown...even 'tween his legs.

So...Wise...Sista said...

Nikki...Go for it! I'm telling you, it's like getting your hair done...the self esteem is thru the roof. lol

I do not advocate bald genitals AT ALL! Or faces on black men for that matter (I think I'm gonna do an entry about that this week). Now I'm not really feeling the errant straggly dick hair thing some brothas got going on. Like, son, get some scissors and tame that beast. And it turns me off when they wear a jersey and got Buckwheat in a headlock. Yuck...but that pales in comparison to a dude who's bare down there. There's something oddly homo about that if you ask me.

There are some things you should look for before you get waxed, so lemme know before you do it and I'll give you the rundown...bec apparently I'm the new VP of Marketing for Brazil. lol

Blah Blah Blah said...

tell 'em wise...after it's done...it doens't even hurt anymore...

i've been getting them for years...but i remember the first time i got one...*laughing at my damn self*...i kept putting my hand down my panties to feel the smoothness. yea, i'm silly like that!

jameil1922 said...

girl yes! chittlins? i'm cool. have you ever smelled them? the stench filled the house for two days. that ain't right. i'm not intentionally putting pig shit in my mouth.

i'm not saying ewww at getting it done, tho i'm horribly frightened after seeing it on tv. i was saying eww at the visual. waaaaaaaaaay too vivid. so there! :P

aquababie said...

i don't care what you say, i'm still don't getting one! LOL if i did, i have to find someone her in mississippi who does them. they probably do, but i'm not looking :)

and i agree...my man has to has bush downstairs. not enough to strangle, but enough to be manly. naked nuts are scary!

Urban Sista said...

I know when I visit, I'm gonna get some jokes. Great post, as always :)

You are a braver woman than me. I can understand cleaning it up and making it presentable, but Brazilian? Sorry, wax in your parts just can't be right. My soon-to-be sister-in-law has promised me to take me in for one just before my wedding... We'll have to see about all that.

So...Wise...Sista said...

Blah...Exactly! A woman of my own heart. Can't stop touching it. lol
Shit, it's mine!


Jameil says..."i'm not intentionally putting pig shit in my mouth."
HAHAHAHA!

Yes, the visual was TMI...just like the experience, which is what i was trying to convey. It's invasive and awkward.


Aqua says..."naked nuts are scary!"
AINT THEY!!!

I've never been to Jackson, but I do a lot of business there...if you change your mind...I'm sure I can find you the hook up! :)


Urban...Wa gwan! Go for it! If not before your wedding day then when?! :)

4EverJennayNay said...

ouch...

care to comment on the benefits vs. shaving? cause i'd much rather shave than deal with having it ripped off.

i've heard of places that do more than waxing and designs, they will dye it and extremely intricate designs. its over seas, but the time that they take is crazy.

Organized Noise said...

I'm with t.cas . . . yet another reason to be happy I'm a man.

EqualOpportunityCrush said...

yes... the beloved brazilian.. sometimes you gotta take it for the team.. i never let out a peep either, but that shit hurts like a mofo... let me a pour a lil liquor out for so wise sista getting her freak on.. unlike by black self..

So...Wise...Sista said...

Hey Jennaynay....

Pros:
-Looks and feels WAY better than a Bic shave
-Lasts much longer than a reg shave

Con:
-I don't know 'bout other women...Blah can add her 3 cents...but I do get in-grown hairs when it grows back. Minimal, but it's similar to the irritation waxing your eye brows can cause. But I've found that diff spas apparently use diff wax, so the effects vary.

-It's a lot pricier than a pack of razors from the dollar store.

[note: Ladies, pls don't go to your local Koreans to get this done. You gotta go to a decent spa with someone who knows what they're doing. (duh)]


Organized...whatever. We wax and y'all leave skid marks. We're even. lol


Eq opp...you feel me!

So...Wise...Sista said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Epsilonicus said...

I never thought I would get to know your "intimate" parts.

I am speechless.

Blah Blah Blah said...

Pros:
It's a much smoother feel.
It last longer because your pulling hair out by the root rather than just shaving to skin level.
It's cleaner....especially for the warmer months.
It's fucking sexy!

Cons:
Shit hurts like hell....but by the time your walking out of the spa, the pain has gone away.

Having some miscellaneous chicks hands & finges around your cooch and ass.

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

damn you so wise...i so want to try it... one of my mantras is "beauty is pain" and that pain is clearly not forever so...oh gosh.

Miss Ahmad said...

oh lawd! I am due for a summer waxing, but it is hard to grin and bear it if no one's gonna enjoy it but me! My waxing chic says it's a gift we give ourselves...but as much money as she's making, it's a gift that we give her!

i promise you if men had to wax all of sudden the bush would back like pegged jeans!

Supa said...

Yo Wize: I stays Brazil-ilaned up on the reg. That's how us Cali girlz do..sunshine all year 'round, yanno??!!

I'm lovin' your waxing tale, tho.

Yeah...the shit does smart, but afterwards it's oh-so-pretty. Sometimes when I get bored, I just pop out the mirror and stare at her so fresh and so clean clean self sometimes. Give her some compliments n stuff. You know. "She" like dat shit! :)

lol

Now you're ready for summer summer summertime!

Nika Laqui said...

I've never had a Brazilian and from the way it sounds I don't want one, but I do have a triangle, its soo cute, but at times, I like the bald feeling...

So...Wise...Sista said...

::smacking Eps on the back a couple of times til he says something::


Thank you for the second opinion Blah!


Stacie says..."one of my mantras is "beauty is pain""

I had a hairdresser say that to me once as a kid...seconds before she put the curly iron directly on my head. So yeah, I feel ya. And I swear to you, by the time you get to see how gorgeous she looks, you will no longer feel a thing.


Miss Ahmad...you aint never lied...bout the greedy chick collecting you money, and about guys/bush!


Supa...you Cali girls are always so free frolicy! Lucky brawds. ;)


NSane...you surprise me. I expected you to be more gully than that!

Anonymous said...

some women are willing to assume the risk that comes with waxing, the ingrown hairs, the boils, and the cyst..for what! Who are you doing it for, your man who doesn't like hair in his food, yourself so you can wear them uncomfortable thongs, or the person doing the waxing??? to me there's nothing as lovely as a hairy triangle.if the good lord didn't want hair there, well you know the rest!

So...Wise...Sista said...

Anonymous...Some women just like it. I happen to you one of them. To me, there's nothing as lovely as doing what i like to what's mine. :)

aidin said...

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