Thursday, May 04, 2006

Drunk Dialing

“I got some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” I ask, walking toward the corner where he’s standing.

“The bad news is, I forgot my wallet at home this morning,” he says with a straight azz face.

Then what the hell is the good news?

I hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

“The good news is, I’m here,” …again uttered deadpan.

This time my response isn’t audible, I kiss my teeth and roll my eyes on the inside, and outwardly reach up for a half-azzed hug, and walk inside for lunch.

I have this horrible habit. Usually done when flat drunk, and I did it the other night.

About a year and a half ago I meet this cat. He aight…tall, smooth brown complexion, kinda thick. College educated, athletic, early 30s, on the prowl for a wife.

We talk on the phone and it’s apparent right away that there’s not much chemistry. But I give it a shot and agree to meet him out for a drink. I can’t remember where we meet, somewhere on the far eastside, maybe…near the old Jimmy’s Downtown ... but I do recall that he was already at the bar when I got there…and since we hadn’t really known each other that long, this was our first time out, I assumed he’d be waiting for me near the door so that we could go back there together. I don’t know why I thought this was proper protocol, but I did.

So I sit and wait for him near the door, talking on the phone to pass the time. 20 minutes later I get a beep…he calls and for some reason it goes straight to voice mail.

“Hey Wise…I guess you decided you didn’t want to meet up after all…breaking my heart already. At least you can give me a call and let me know you’re not coming.”

I walk inside and see him throwing back a Labatts or some shit, cavorting with the white folks.

Ok, that was my fault. I sit down and apologize. We talk, have a nice time and that’s about it. Nothing more or less to report. I gave it the old college try, and confirm that just like in college, chemistry's a no-go. No spark to speak of.

Yet, I still found myself engaged in a wet and wild lip lock with dude at the goodbye.

And not the good kind.

He’s big and won’t stop hugging me. And he says something to the effect of my lips being enticing and fantasizing all night about touching them.

Mercy kiss? Starved for attention?? I don’t know. But I kissed him and immediately regretted it.

I avoid having to see or even speak to him much after that, traveling a lot, focused on making paper. Hustling. And ignoring I guess. I thought it was understood that this was a wrap. A bore. A lost cause.

So fast fwd to this past weekend and I see this guy and can’t figure out why I know him. He’s a bouncer and he’s kind of staring at me too, long after I’ve ID’d him and decided not to have a reunion.

But somehow, probably three Grey Gooses into the night, I find my way over to the block that he’s standing on, and motion for him to lean down.

“Has it been that long that you don’t know me no more?”

“Don’t play me. Of course I know who you are.” But he’s kind of distant so I figure he’s really still trying to figure it out. “You’re the one who up and forgot about me.”

“Me?” I pull out my cell phone and scroll through…not really sure if he ever made it into the bat phone (ie - cellie #2. #1 is mostly used for biz, bills and bastards I don’t wanna talk to. I thought for SURE he was only in that phone.)

But I find his name and number and show it to him.

“Okay, okay,” he says, smiling. “But you ran off and took my heart with you.”

“Stop.” I’m serious. I HATE when dudes play that ‘whoa is me’, self-deprecating nonsense.

“I’m serious. Wait lemme show you.” With that, dude, let’s call him Dominicarlos (looks Dominican, has a kind of Latino name, but I never cared enough to ask his ethnicity), pulls out his cell phone and retrieves a throw-away text message I sent him, literally a year and a half ago. I gasp. Genuinely appalled. It wasn’t even a “When you get here I want you to meet me out on the fire escape wearing only a hard-on…” type of text. It was like, “lol” or something like that. No more than 7 characters.

But alas, 3 Grey Gooses. I smile, and hit dial on my phone, calling his number.

“Well, here’s my number again, just in case,” I say, and lean up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

And this fool calls me less than 6 hours later... at 8:35AM the next morning .

And again that night. And again Monday. Tuesday. Wants to meet for lunch. I’m busy, and I tell him I’m home the next day. Tell him I’ll call him.

He calls me before I get the chance and he says he’s near me and can come by to “fix me lunch or something.” Let’s meet in the middle, I suggest.

So there we were, standing on the corner today, with bad news and more bad news, as far as I’m concerned.

No wonder he wanted to come over. He was fcuking broke.

That’s what I get for drunk dialing. I do it way too often. Put your number in my phone, then call it so that you’ll have my number in your phone too.

It’s become a habit ever since I met this cute azz Jamaican guy (I NEVER meet cool Jamaicans) at The Turtle in White Plains (there are NEVER cute brothas up in there)… he asked to give me his number, but instead I decided to be coy and put my number in his phone. Then when I didn’t hear from him in the first four days after we met I was beside myself! [note: he did finally call]

Hence the compulsive call back. To boring azz Dominicarlos of all personas non grata.

And what do I get? To pick up the tab.



neil said...

yes, perfect example of why u shouldn't drink and dial.

i think the kiss and the number giving may be a case of u being too nice. nice ppl have a habit of feeling guilt, but i think guilt and dating don't go together. it can lead to feigning interest when in fact u couldn't BE anymore disinterested.

from the outset u should be more ruthless, more bitchy. for me as the guy, i would rather the slightly painful rejection at the beginning than the horribly painful revelation later on that u actually think i am a burly, bad-kissing, broke brotha. :o)

i think i'm falling for ur stories. keep em coming.

sJea said...

this was so NOT a love connection...but, gave it the old college try...

take it for the $30 lesson it was and keep it moving...$30 lessons are cheap, trust...

nikki said...

i am over here cringing for you, sowise. what a HORROR story.

chemistry is sooooo important, isn't it? i mean, i've been in the company of some really attractive men, but if the chemistry ain't there, i gotta bounce. that shit is just too damn important.

i've also done the pity kiss...or maybe it was the "show me some attention" kiss...probably a little bit of both.

so have you cut him off at the quick yet?

oh, and a little description of the jamaican to tide me over until i get to the ny next month wouldn't hurt. :)

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

What Neil said...

Wow. i know that place in White plains- i always cringe when i get a call to work in white plains...there is always some sort of bizzare situation that arises up there

Mrs A. said...

aw DAYUM, wise!!! step away from the has magical powers!! but, he gave you ANOTHER easy out (first one was bad kiss, second one was woo-woo-woo "save a little text message-would love-to stalk-you) once the wallet explanation came out...uh, yeah, i would high tailed it outta there!! stop being so friggin nice...

T. Cas said...

you should have made him take his ass home and get his wallet. or better yet say "we can do this after payday" You don't actually beleive that he left his wallet do you?

Mr.Slish said...

Okay so you were not feeling him, But you stuck your tongue in his mouth. You sound like a female version of THE

Don't start what you can't finish..Can cause you to have a temporary shadow and I don't mean your own...

Anonymous said...

Playerism 101:
"Not much chemistry" dates ARE ALWAYS suppose to pay...for everything...after all, all they are, is someone to spend a boring day with. Not reserved for do-overs and ESPECIALLY if they are working a door at some!
..but you were young (a year), so willlet this one pass just don't let that shit happen again!
Tighten up that game.

So...Wise...Sista said...

My Neil...I AM too nice...but more than nice, I am completely and utterly indifferent, maybe even numb. :)

Maybe one day you'll be the subject of one of my stories. ;)

Sjea...but this $30 "lesson" was like having to pay to replace your work ID or driver's license. I already knew the moral, yet I still went there! PS - Had it been a $30 lunch I really would have told him to kiss my azz. He's a cheap date...didnt cost me more than $12...out of principle!

Nikki says: "i've also done the pity kiss...or maybe it was the "show me some attention" kiss...probably a little bit of both."

It's a woman's prerogative! O my Jamaican...don't even get me started. Now THAT'S a fun story I should write about. When you coming to the City?!

Rev...White Plains is ridiculous. I spend WAY too much time there...drinking.

Miss A...Do I even need an OUT? Oh did I forget to mention that he put his lips all on me when I hugged him goodbye?

TCas...Do I believe him? Chile pls. Did you ever see the episode of the Brady Bunch where the guy said he hurt his neck in a car accident, but then in court Mr. Brady dropped his briefcase on the floor and NeckBrace whipped his head around and proved to be a fraud? Well the whole time I was thinking maybe I should figure out a slick way to make him unconsciously pull out his wallet...cuz I know he aint forget shit...there just wasn't shit in there!

Slish...I never said I didn't have Slasher tendencies! lol

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

Most of the time im in WP, im working for Irish, the drinking is a given- its kind of a *must* actually for me to cope with it up there..

So...Wise...Sista said...

I go up there for the expressed written intent of drinking. My boy's a bouncer so sometimes he drags me when he's not working. But frankly, what else is there to do in the "Dubb"?

nikki said...

i'll be there june 20-26, so if you got some time, hook a sista up! i might make it longer cuz it seems like i've got alot of shit to do and not alot of time to get it done, plus i might be looking for a gig while i'm there (still thinking about moving there to be with my fam).

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

not a whole heck of a lot !!!

CNEL said...

"Mercy kiss?"

So you done that before, eh?

"“Okay, okay,” he says, smiling. “But you ran off and took my heart with you.”"

"“Stop.” I’m serious. I HATE when dudes play that ‘whoa is me’, self-deprecating nonsense."

That was a tad fast, I must say.

"pulls out his cell phone and retrieves a throw-away text message I sent him, literally a year and a half ago."

I had that habit till I got a new phone. Only for the cute ones I saw on a regular.Sometimes it helps to have a record to go back to.

Has he offered to take you out? I mean you paid once, where's the reciprocity?

So...Wise...Sista said...

Nikki...Cool. I'll be in Chicago running amok for most of that week, but it would be cool to hang out. You're trying to move in while I'm trying to get the eff out!

CNelly...Operative word was "throw away". Something tells me you never saved a text that said, "cool" matter how cute the chick! I'm not sweating the pay back...but of course he insisted. God forbid. It's not like we're talking about which case I might request a re-do. lol

CNEL said...

It's not like we're talking about which case I might request a re-do. lol

LMAO, I love your honesty, cause I know you're dead serious. Coo, coo. Toooooooo funnnnnnnny!

So...Wise...Sista said...

DEAD serious.

jameil1922 said...

how bout since you know you have this problem you are REQUIRED to give up your phone!! oh helllll no!!! LMAO!! forgot my wallet my ass. you should've left. ain't no way i would've bought lunch for that fool. fake call (my phone's on vibrate). oh that's work. sorry, gotta go. out.

wizard said...

Where is the drunk dialing prevention task force when you need them?!

Disqus for She's Just Not Feeling You...

  • So...Wise??

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    I'm older than I look, and stupider than you think. But I'm quite proud of my sharp eye for The Ridiculous, and by Ridiculous, of course I mean Me.