WISE GUYS

I grew up with dudes who played sports. Came to school in crispy Jordans and shiny mesh shorts that hung just at the knee. There was always a boxer briefs waistband visible. But that was all.

And even if they weren't good at sports they were obsessed with SportsCenter. They talked about it incessantly.

I grew up with dudes who had female friends. Not BFFs tho. Be clear...they'd blaze given the opportunity. But they'd talk shit and cuss and let fly a few bitch and ho references in front of their homegirls with absolutely no offense intended and none taken.

I grew up with dudes who defended said female friends. I could go out and feel like I was surrounded by secret.service. If anyone ever got slick with me there'd be a dude there to handle it before I even had a chance to ask.

Dudes I grew up with had other guy friends. WTF is this lonesome ngga phenomenon? Has it always existed where guys sit at home night after night watching movies by themselves? Where is your boy? You know, the cat that comes over the crib with some brew??? Guys are fairly simple creatures. Easily relateable with few strict requirements outside of loyalty. So I slant a mean skepty eye to any guy who proudly exclaims that he doesn't have any male friends.

Guys I grew up with want pussy. And lots of it. Even now as adults. Some married. That's not to say that they whore around or even step out on their women. But it IS to say they have libidos. Asexual ass nggas frighten me.

I grew up with straight dudes. And gay ones. But very few of this ridiculously ambiguous bitch ngga shit.

I grew up with white dudes who grew up with black dudes. And vice versa. And they have dude things in common like pussy, beer, and the Lakers.

Nggas I grew up with iron the shit out of every outfit they put on. The smell of starch always makes me smile.

The dudes I grew up with got their hair cut religiously, have precision-cut goatees, own no less than two durags, a brush for home, work and car, and two maybe three pairs of dress shoes. And they are not in any way metro.

Dudes I grew up with work. And dance. And don't need to be asked twice for them to fuck you.

They also have issues. But they deal with them. And said issues are rarely deep enough to make them disown their parents or siblings.

There are certain songs and certain artists that remind me of certain people. That's because dudes I grew up with commit classic rap lyrics to memory. Mobb Deep and the "Reasonable Doubt" album are two examples.

Where I'm from dudes smile. And grind on a girl when they dance. Their eyes hone in on fat asses, and follow them around corners until out of sight. They hold doors open no matter what. They don't eat in front of folks without offering. They use pronouns like yo and B. and son and kid and ngga and cracker and money to punctuate every sentence. They called their fathers Pops even if he wasn't ever around. They're emotionally unavailable to any woman except their mothers or sisters or daughters. They refuse to allow a woman to sit in the backseat of a car with two dudes up front. Like, they will fight you over this. They change their own car air filters and flat tires. They sometimes wait til they're reduced to tears to go to the doctor. They feel no kinda way about crying at a loved one's funeral or to express love for their friends and families and women.

Not all dudes are from where I'm from. And that's a shame. Cuz dudes I grew up with are my kinda guys.

Regular.

It may seem silly but I haven't come across this kinda regular guy in a very long while. Times have changed I guess.

Guys who are into poetry and fashion and technology and dvd collections and the mall and upscale eateries are fun. They surround me daily. But where is the guy in sweatpants who always has the game on? The one who will push me damn near off a bar stool if I try to pay for their drinks. Where's the guy who doesn't mind driving when we go out? Who isn't emotionally scarred by my mood swings. Who is conflicted about commitments but doesn't use it as an excuse.

I miss him.

Are Dudes Really That Dumb...or Is The Chick Wrote This Shit?

My Neil only admitted to one of these, and while I won't blow up his spot, I will say that I was relieved to learn it was a pretty good mistake. ;)

So I wonder what you think of this list. I'll insert my commentary later...
PS...no, I didnt write these)


1.No matter how skinny we are, NEVER feel our back-fat whilst making love

2.Do NOT lean on our hair

3.Be careful with the nipples

4.Don’t ever feel our legs because there is a chance we haven’t shaved them and we will be VERY aware of that fact

5.Fanny farts are your fault, not ours

6.But it helps if you laugh afterwards because then we don’t feel so embarrassed

7.In the morning, do us a favour and leave the room for a couple of minutes because no matter how sexy we look naked or how much we need the toilet we will be very conscious about getting out of the bed in front of you

8.Don’t sweat so much!

9.Phrases such as ‘you drive me nuts’ and ‘fuck fuck fuck’ are banned

10.Do not rip our underwear off – chances are we spent about 3 hours trying to decide which underwear to wear and we would really appreciate it if you noticed. Perhaps a ‘that underwear looks really sexy’ would be good

11.Our private areas are to be treated with respect, you are in no means allowed to treat it like it is your last meal

12.Some girls just dont like morning sex (but some do)....so if you are getting the signs that she is up for it then fair play, but it should be quite blatantly obvious when morning sex is not on the cards - so pack it in and go and put the kettle on

13.….and please don’t attempt to try and do stupid positions like wrapping our legs around our head first thing in the morning cause we are still pretty stiff

14.The key is to kiss our neck, not eat our ears….

15.….and don’t kiss the same place for ages cause it get pretty boring

16.Feet are a no go area

17.What gives you the right to think you can go anywhere near our arse for the first 10 times we have sex……

18.….but don’t be surprised if we go near yours (cause you know you love it)

19.Don’t push our heads down when you want head, cause the chances are we will get pissed off and probably spit your load in your mouth

20.When we are on top, just lie there and enjoy…..don’t start thrusting because then we lose the rhythm and feel like we are about as crap as a virgin (and any chances of us enjoying it have just gone out of the window)

21.Candles and music are good, lights on is a big no no

22. A girl should shudder a bit after she has come (if she doesn’t, you have failed and she will be annoyed)

23.Cupping the face makes us feel special

24.Find out if she has any injuries, then you can reduce the risk of hurting her…..

25.……but pain is sometimes good, just in a certain way

26.If the covers start to fall off the bed, pull them back over as we will be very conscious of the fact that we are in full view

27.Don’t try and take our bra off unless you know for sure you can do it….this leads to a highly embarrassing pause

28.Don’t try and pick us up, no matter how small we are we are at least 8 stone….and if it is less then check ID immediately

29.Know your own strengths, if you are crap at certain things then don’t even go there

30.Don’t say thank you afterwards because then we feel like prostitutes

31.No turning your back on us after sex

32.No morning kisses (we will probably be fully aware of bad breath particularly if we have been smoking/drinking/giving head)

33.Turn round temporarily so that we can wipe the mascara shit out of our eyes

34.Foreplay is essential – if you go straight in for the kill you a re likely to lose major points (and be gentle)

35.Always make sure there are tissues on hand

36.If you try and make us come too early we will not be interested in what’s to follow, but if you do it too late we will think you are crap….timing is important

37.Taking memento’s is not big, not clever, we will notice and you will not be asked back again

38.For fucks sake tidy your room beforehand

39.The fact we are shagging you on the first night does not make us a whore, it just means we feel like we have to have sex with you in order to keep you

40.Be vocal! How are we supposed to know if we are doing it right......

41.If a girl says she is about to come, you are doing it TOTALLY wrong and she wants it to all be over. We say this because we know you will come in about 10 seconds.... (the same goes for when we suggest doing it doggy style)

SHELL OF A MAN

My friend Curly is finally over her son’s father. The journey was like a bumpy ride through the old neighborhood now gentrified. A lot of neck craning. A lot of reminiscing. A lot of disbelief. And ultimately a tremendous growth that rendered her a new, whole woman.

Her kid’s almost 2 and she’s living back Upstate to raise him near her family, which means a definite downgrade in quality of life and similarly very slim pool of quality dudes. But there is a new man in her life that she is contemplating. This one is a winner…or a loser, depending on which way you view him.

He’s 28.

He’s a hometown boy (we LOVE hometown boys).

He’s an amazing graphic artist and gifted poet.

He’s childless.

He’s tall and handsome.

He’s fun, spontaneous, thoughtful, a deep thinker.

Don’t you love him already!

As we sat on the phone this evening for nearly two hours, as she was waiting for him to arrive at her crib, I was struck by the idea that guys insist that they are not all idiots. Some, like Hometown Boy, are quite caring and loyal, honest and ambitious. Affectionate and genuinely in search of a companion (not a meal ticket/trophy/whipping post).

“What I love about him is that he’s not trying to be all up ON me. He likes to be all hugged up, but he’s not a fcuking vulture. He’s not like those relentless nggas who act like they never had their dick sucked before.”

I feel her on that. And in some ways I think that trait separates the men from the boys.

Problem is, in many ways this man is still very much a boy.

His mom died when he was 14. His dad died not longer after. All he’s got in this world is an aloof grandmother and a handful of true friends.

He had a very serious girlfriend a few years back. They were planning a future together, until she announced that she was moving to Chi to go to school. And leaving him behind.

He still hasn’t recovered from that. Just like he hasn’t recovered from his stint as a teenage orphan.

His claim to fame is that he’s the hottest MC Upstate. Yuck, I know...but dude IS nice. When Curly first told me about him, I knew immediately who she was talking about, having seen him rip more than a few open mic nights and freestyles alongside platinum artists touring thru town (he damn near had Com.mon in tears with his flow).

All in all he’s a great guy. So yeah, gentlemen, you’re right. There are indeed a few of you left out there hanging tough. And women should recognize that. We should give the good guys a chance instead of the jerks that get mad burn in our rotations.

But at what point does a good guy become a liability? Or worse yet, not worth the good?

Hometown Boy has a bit of a hustle.and.flow complex happening. He believes in his art. He moved to NYC without knowing anyone, not long after he got played by Chi chick. He was living outside the city with some people who didn’t have his back, had a tough time and soon found himself back Upstate. Everyone knows him at home, and he produces his own music in pursuit of that elusive big break.

Yes, I did say 28.

He works a temp job 4 days a week, doesn’t have a car, lives with a couple who is family to him, and the computer he does his music on just crashed.

Hometown’s had a lifetime of hard times.

But he’s still a great guy. A shell of a man, who could be whole, given the right opportunities.

My friend likes him a lot, but loves herself more. She realizes that she needs more out of a partner. I mean, the word partner suggests that both have something to offer. Right now, all he got for Curly is a few bars.

I already know the answer. So does she. But what I don’t know is if I will have the same answer 5, 10 years from now (bec my answer would have been the opposite 5, 10 years ago). If I wont see the shell of a man as a valuable investment. A missed opportunity. Particularly if he’s a good man. Conventional wisdom says that if you’re in the market, you set your sights on the brand new developments. Rehabs and fixer ups aren’t worth the trouble…no matter how detailed and gorgeous the craftsmanship and original woodwork.

But is the convention correct? I dunno, cuz truthfully, I seen too many foreclosures on these so-called desirable dudes. The gentrified real estate, if you will. They’re fantastic on paper, have great curb appeal, yet lack the durability to satisfy the buyer longterm.

Chances are Hometown will never blow up as the next Mos.Def. But he’s likely to blow up into a whole man. A good, long-lasting, whole man.

A steal at the current market value.

THE HAND JOB THAT ROCKED THE CRADLE

“I gotta tell you about my little boy toy, Wise,” says my girl Kells.

Yadda, yadda, yadda, he had all the vitals…ginormous genitalia, and, uh, ginormous genitalia, that’s pretty much the highlight. Oh yeah, but they also have a lot in common and have a lot of fun together.

“And how old is he?”

“20.”

Then there’s another home girl, Singles, who is a bit less enthusiastic, yet every bit animated in telling me her tale.

“Young and Tasty,” is what she calls him. He’s every bit of early 20s, albeit a working professional, a co-worker no less. Again there’s talk of this young man’s endless conversational prowess, his energy, and oh, huge surprise…his seismic sexual smackdown.

Have I finally reached the age where my peers are indeed SON’ing it…as in the boy you’re fcuking could be your slightly older homegirl’s actual biological son?

What am I missing? I mean, I can imagine what I’m missing in bed, and frankly, I’m not all that pressed. Weeeeeeell, I wasn’t until the other night at this reggae spot…

This young sweetie pie stepped to me and made me re-eval…

I was sitting and sipping and he rolls up next to me all brazen like he knows me like that. Asks me if I wanna dance. When I decline, he puts his arm around me with this brash possessive air, and I was thoroughly amused. I walked his young azz into the dark Calypso room and had my way with him. I barked commands into his ear, and he obeyed, but not without defying me first. And he didn’t just do what I said, he did it like he had something to prove.

I made sure to divulge my age from jump, cuz looks can be deceiving and I knew he might take me for one of his classmates. I didn’t bother listening when he tried to tell me his age. For those secession of songs that we shared I could suddenly sense the allure. I was enchanted by his boyish charm which was really nothing more than an equation of unsophisticated sexual bravado + drive. I could see how that undivided attention could be attractive to a 30 year old woman like either of my friends, who can basically summarize the past decade with bullet points of boys who were the exact opposite.

I sustained that understanding for less than a full Red S+ripe. That’s about when he should have refreshed it. Instead he tried to kiss me then asked if I would mind if he went for a smoke.

Son.

So that just brings me back to the playground. I didn’t much care for dudes in their early 20s when I was that age, so it’s sincerely beyond me what I would do with one now. But that’s not to say that I’m passing judgment on the Son Movement. I say, whatever floats your little man in the boat. I’m just wondering why the explanation (bec yeah, one is necessary) always resembles a cartoon. Women always speak in these animated terms, and color in the descriptions of these young men with these vivid crayola caricatured brush strokes. And there’s no doubt in my mind that younger men have a lot of qualities that older dudes could stand to learn.

Just bec it’s not for me doesn’t mean that it’s not a valid and viable relationship option.

But I am fascinated by the social dynamic, particularly in my girl Kells’ case…

• Dude was her student at commun college. [problematic on too many levels, but it gets better]

• The class was Reading. [you’ll remember from undergrad that Reading means that you’re not proficient enough to enroll in English 1o1. In other words, it would prob take him an entire class period to read this entry.

• He aint all that cute. She says he has a big dizzle and all, but does that really matter if he looks like a gay Lil J0n? [ps…has anyone else noticed today that there’s a fine line in distinguishing if a guy is just young or if he’s gay…in the same way that it’s hard to tell foreign from gay? Sorry young’ens.]
  

• He is not just “something to do” [which is the attitude of my other friend who’s Son’ing, and which makes perfect sense to me]... Kells and lil Lil J0n are now exclusive.

But in the end my friends, is it really for me to comprehend? Im not the one with the Son.

But perhaps talk to me late next decade.