Monday, March 10, 2008

Are Dudes Really That Dumb...or Is The Chick Wrote This Shit?

My Neil only admitted to one of these, and while I won't blow up his spot, I will say that I was relieved to learn it was a pretty good mistake. ;)

So I wonder what you think of this list. I'll insert my commentary later...
PS...no, I didnt write these)


1.No matter how skinny we are, NEVER feel our back-fat whilst making love

2.Do NOT lean on our hair

3.Be careful with the nipples

4.Don’t ever feel our legs because there is a chance we haven’t shaved them and we will be VERY aware of that fact

5.Fanny farts are your fault, not ours

6.But it helps if you laugh afterwards because then we don’t feel so embarrassed

7.In the morning, do us a favour and leave the room for a couple of minutes because no matter how sexy we look naked or how much we need the toilet we will be very conscious about getting out of the bed in front of you

8.Don’t sweat so much!

9.Phrases such as ‘you drive me nuts’ and ‘fuck fuck fuck’ are banned

10.Do not rip our underwear off – chances are we spent about 3 hours trying to decide which underwear to wear and we would really appreciate it if you noticed. Perhaps a ‘that underwear looks really sexy’ would be good

11.Our private areas are to be treated with respect, you are in no means allowed to treat it like it is your last meal

12.Some girls just dont like morning sex (but some do)....so if you are getting the signs that she is up for it then fair play, but it should be quite blatantly obvious when morning sex is not on the cards - so pack it in and go and put the kettle on

13.….and please don’t attempt to try and do stupid positions like wrapping our legs around our head first thing in the morning cause we are still pretty stiff

14.The key is to kiss our neck, not eat our ears….

15.….and don’t kiss the same place for ages cause it get pretty boring

16.Feet are a no go area

17.What gives you the right to think you can go anywhere near our arse for the first 10 times we have sex……

18.….but don’t be surprised if we go near yours (cause you know you love it)

19.Don’t push our heads down when you want head, cause the chances are we will get pissed off and probably spit your load in your mouth

20.When we are on top, just lie there and enjoy…..don’t start thrusting because then we lose the rhythm and feel like we are about as crap as a virgin (and any chances of us enjoying it have just gone out of the window)

21.Candles and music are good, lights on is a big no no

22. A girl should shudder a bit after she has come (if she doesn’t, you have failed and she will be annoyed)

23.Cupping the face makes us feel special

24.Find out if she has any injuries, then you can reduce the risk of hurting her…..

25.……but pain is sometimes good, just in a certain way

26.If the covers start to fall off the bed, pull them back over as we will be very conscious of the fact that we are in full view

27.Don’t try and take our bra off unless you know for sure you can do it….this leads to a highly embarrassing pause

28.Don’t try and pick us up, no matter how small we are we are at least 8 stone….and if it is less then check ID immediately

29.Know your own strengths, if you are crap at certain things then don’t even go there

30.Don’t say thank you afterwards because then we feel like prostitutes

31.No turning your back on us after sex

32.No morning kisses (we will probably be fully aware of bad breath particularly if we have been smoking/drinking/giving head)

33.Turn round temporarily so that we can wipe the mascara shit out of our eyes

34.Foreplay is essential – if you go straight in for the kill you a re likely to lose major points (and be gentle)

35.Always make sure there are tissues on hand

36.If you try and make us come too early we will not be interested in what’s to follow, but if you do it too late we will think you are crap….timing is important

37.Taking memento’s is not big, not clever, we will notice and you will not be asked back again

38.For fucks sake tidy your room beforehand

39.The fact we are shagging you on the first night does not make us a whore, it just means we feel like we have to have sex with you in order to keep you

40.Be vocal! How are we supposed to know if we are doing it right......

41.If a girl says she is about to come, you are doing it TOTALLY wrong and she wants it to all be over. We say this because we know you will come in about 10 seconds.... (the same goes for when we suggest doing it doggy style)

13 comments:

the joy said...

Honestly, I was waiting for this list to be over! What depressive, insecure, non self loving woman wrote this? I find it charming when Kesi tries to take of my bra knowing good and well its gonna take 8 years. And how would you know if a man really cares (or be reaffirmed in it) if he's willing to keep rubbing my thigh even though its hairy, and smack my ass when I'm getting out of bed even when I'm bloated. Or even better, come over even when I have my period. Anyways, in the 6 years I've been having sex with Kesi I may have had an inkling of a little of those thoughts, but then I stop caring cuz I'm too busy having all the sex, lol.

Adei von K said...

thats some white british chick. maybe that's how they get down in the uk.

that was wack.

1969 said...

With all of those rules....when does she enjoy herself?

Anonymous said...

alas I am but a mere mortal, prone to the odd mistake. but i know u are there to keep me on the straight path ;o)

but yea, clearly the person(s) who compiled this list needs to lighten up

Amadeo said...

I call bullshit on numbers:
1, 4, 7, 8, sometimes 10, 13, 16, Especially 18, 20...WTF, 21, 26, 27, 28, 29...so you should just keep doing the same thing? 32, 33, 35...ever heard of multiple orgasms, the earlier she comes the more likely they are, 39 is questionable...I mean there are some whores out there, 40...frankly I would say that to more women and 41.

This is a list for dudes she is with not women in general.

Amadeo said...

P.S.
I'd love your input on the post I put up tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

this is all wrong on so many levels ... and i fret whoever this is ... her sex life has to suck ... sad indeed ...

GreatWhyte said...

I wrote this list :(

Southerner in Suomi said...

I'm not feeling this. Maybe #3 cause I had a bad experience. Other than that, a little roughness is usually in order. Lol.

Eb the Celeb said...

I agree with 2,3,8, 17(i dont do that at all), 19(i dont know about the spitting part but I do hate that pushing my head crap), 30 (there are plenty of things to say after so thank you does seems a little weird), 31 (that is kinda rude),


LMAO @ 5,6, 14, 15

The rest is just straight ridiculous and reminds me of the old movie strictly business when wayman tisdale and that chick were having military sex...

you just have to let it flow... their cant be rules in sex because every situation and every person is different... what might not have aroused you with one guy, make me you feel like you've never felt before by another guy...

Ok, that's my peace

M-Dubb said...

This list is a bunch of bullshit.

Why, Wise! Why!?!?!

I'll be posting a rebuttal soon...

Blah Blah Blah said...

Wise ol' gal...what is this shit?

Anonymous said...

got a kick outta this lady
number 5 is hilarious
i cant beleive she would say anythin about that.. must happen to her alot

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