Shout out to the blaquescribes...
DP's forever my muse.:)
I wasn’t by any means an abused child, but in my case, being the
youngest was a constant ass kicking.
My older brothers and I can look back on it all now and laugh, and we
do quite frequently. But somehow the echoes of amusement fade late at
night, when I'm balled up in bed, spooned by only the darkness. It
feels like I'm 5 again. Unable to sleep, listening for signs of
insomnia from elsewhere in the house. It always seemed like I was the
only one awake, the only one not settled. The only one without a tag
team partner. Mommy had Daddy, and Rick had Andrew. Twins. Dumb luck.
Then there was me: the wrong age and the wrong gender. I didn’t fit in
well at all. I needed help tying my shoes and pouring my own cereal.
Eric was always so PISSED to have to do the most minute tasks to help
me, so early on I learned to do shit for myself. Taught myself to read,
swim, think logically, play basketball, hide secrets, tell lies, avoid
ass whuppins. Not as a means of independence, but to just not get in
the way. Not be a nuisance, but to garner some positive attention and
respect. I suppose that's why as an adult, the things I need most are
the exact things I hate to ask for.
My brothers and I laugh about it a lot, and I admit it's funny how they
would torture me for snitching, or leave me home alone knowing I was
terrified. We laugh about how to this day I won't open the door after
sundown, and how I made up a black pretend friend named Libby who was
with me when the real (white) Libby, whose grandparents lived on my
block, would move away at the end of the summer.
But my brothers are rarely made privy to the legacy that that childhood
isolation still bestows on me 25 years later. Despite having a gang of
neighborhood friends and being likeable and popular in school, I grew
up a lonely kid, ignored by big brothers, unattended by loving yet hard
working parents. So as an adult, rolling dolo is second nature to me.
Writers, after all, work alone. But it also makes me appreciate it when
people do show up. I'm used to doing things for myself, living with the
consequences of making bad decisions without any consultation, and most
of all I'm quite used to being disappointed when I do accept help that
never arrives. HAVING someone who is not there when you need them is
worse than having no one at all. But that's the beauty of me...I'm
always there for me.
So while I find comfort and normalcy in being alone, there are still
days when I sit back helplessly and watch the cycle of my issues scroll
over and over again. I could recite the outcomes verbatim. When shit
goes down and I need help, I roll up in bed and turn within. And I beg
time to pause for my issues to pass, like a family of ducks across a
street. Instead of asking for help I figure, if there is indeed
strength in numbers, I need to start counting. And I do. And in those
times I realize I'm not alone. I have my brothers (we laugh about it, but
they would literally kill a ngga over their little sister), my mom, my friends.
I have God. I have me.
So, I woke up early this morning, after little sleep, because I
realized life was happening without me.
~Wise...not getting soft. Promise. In fact, the next episode of "She's Just Not Feeling You" is entitled...IF WISE WAS FCUKING ME.
Stay tuned for your local news. ;)
PS...Not too late for fantasy hoops. My brother's taught me to play. :) Holler at me if you wanna be down.
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18 comments:
My sister (only sibling) is 4 years older than me and so absolutely off-the-hook at times that I think she must be mentally ill. There have been time that I felt like trying to have her committed. And i'll probably have to take care of her when she gets old. But this same sister taught me to read fluently at 4 (my kindergarten teacher thought that I was excetional HA!), and taught me how to fight, and how to be steet smart, and how to put on make-up, she never left me behind. My parent never had to make her take me along. She even took me along when she got into trouble. And we took our ass whippings together. Even now she will beat the shyt out of anybody who messes with me. LOL
So as crazy as she can be at times, she is a big part of who I am now. It took me a little while to realize that I've never been alone because of her. And she'll never be alone because I'll always take care of her.
"So, I woke up early this morning, after little sleep, because I
realized life was happening without me."
how so?
the very.
PS: can i borrow God for a little while? i swear i'll return quickly......
I feel similar to how you feel too. I have only one sibling and he is 5 years younger than me. It was at times hard because being younger he could not relate. How can a 15 year old relate to me who is 20??
I wonder if that's how my lil felt..however she is a pain so perhaps she deserved it sike nah let me stop LO
i am the oldest but there is only me and my sister ... and well i always had to do for me ... make the mistakes ... and get punished ... i was and still am sometimes jealous of my sister ... cause everything my parents had to figure out with me ... went smooth sailin with her ...but i was glad that she could learn from my mistakes ... and well id do anything i can forever even if we cant always exactly relate ... but i suppose is all about perspective ... either way i can relate in my own way...i suppose we all can in our own way... thats what makes us human ...
You know my story...only child brought up by a daddy and 4 uncles.... Been by myself all my life...don't know anything diff. Was married for 9 years but...still...felt the need to be alone. Guess that's why this single life fits me. Have no problem telling you what I need...problem comes when I ain't getting it. Call me spoiled.
You seem to have a handle on what makes up Wise...your a head of the game...
Siblings are the BEST...for better or worse.
Rev...to answer your question, sometimes I find myself turning inward when I'm dealing with something difficult. and then I open my eyes and realize that I've completely isolated myself, and that I need to get off the train at the next stop, and rejoin society. Feel me? :)
i got ya. i do the same thing. you have to force yourself to verbalize your sh1t to someone sometimes so you dont go down the rabbit hole.......
unless of course you want to.
But there's drugs for that trip.
ace
Yo Blaquescribe!!!
Beautifully written.
If Wise was fuckin' me, what?
KZ
I'm an only child who was raised around cousins and went without a close friend for the duration of middle school and the early part of high school. I amaze myself sometimes when I realize how long I can go without really dealing with anyone. Most apparent in the fact that if I didn't have to work I could go for a week or more without speaking.
girl, if your writing was a man, i would have just been made love to. that entry stroked me deeply.
That was seriously deep, profound as shyt, unbelievably honest!!!
Thanks for sharing!!!
Glad your back Homie...
I have a twin sister, I'm telling you its like my mother birthed me an apple, and then she birthed (my sister) an orange.
It was an interesting experience for me growing up to often be the only guy.
My mother taught independence, and sometimes being the only guy meant having to role solo.
Solitude, independence, separateness have helped me, not to fall into the trap of being inauthentic.
I feel you though on how the only friend, seems within, though there are support systems abound.
Oh and leave it to you, to want to come out and play when I'm gone.
Holla at me ;-).
Ur next topic hilarious!
Why am i all into this post when I know my behind need to be sleep...but it's sooooo true!
libby, dawg? my imaginary black friend was named rufus. after the neighbor's rottweiler.
Stumbled upon your blog from Negrophile. Loving it. Keep doin' whatcha do.
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