Oh, the day of the Red is almost here...
Happy VDay to all the lovers.
I would have hoped to have had more to say this year, but I think I summed up the holiday pretty well last year.
As you may recall, I pretty much think VDay is an excessive excuse for material unrealism.
But the beauty of the day really does resemble the color red. VDay at it's best reflects the radiance of rose-red. Bright and vibrant. Red hot!
And at its most lukewarm and tepid, VDay is like the palest pink. Brittle and delicate. Pretty, but petty.
It can be a torturous continuum, a life-changing spectrum…this Love thing. And I hijacked the following piece from a m*space blog that I received via email...because I think it represents love at its exact middle. And if you’ve ever been there, you know how extreme it can be...particularly on VDay.
[PS...I DIDNT WRITE THIS PART...]
am·big·u·ous [am-big-yoo-uhs] –adjective
1. open to or having several possible meanings or interpretations
2. of doubtful or uncertain nature; difficult to comprehend, distinguish, or classify
3. lacking clearness or definiteness; obscure; indistinct:
Okay, so this is not a diatribe against ALL men... this is just for my "ambiguous" brothers (be they black, white or other) And I'm not talking about guys on the D.L. (or on second thought, maybe I am... that would explain a LOT! But I digress...)
My question is simply this... Why?!
Why the ambiguity? Why do you tell us you love us one day and the next day say, 'I don't know if I believe in love'? Why do you call, 'just to hear our voice' and then disappear for a week? Why do you tell us we're a 'beautiful woman of quality and that any guy would be blessed to have us in their life' and the next day introduce us to the bimbo you just met that is probably your soul mate? WHY?!?!?
Do you live to keep women off kilter? Does it provide you with more options? Are your true emotions a mystery even to you? Is your mind an ever changing river of chaos and confusion? Is it really that freaking hard to know how you really feel?!
Here's what I propose... if you like a girl, tell her, pursue her, make sure she KNOWS that she's the one for you. Don't give up until she's rocking your last name and having your babies. Happily ever after, ya feel me? It's a beautiful thing.
Conversely, if you aren't feeling her in "that" way and you just want to be friends, no harm, no foul... but don't tell her "I love you" (it's confusing), don't say, "We should get married" (not cute, not fair), don't invite her to foreign locals or your Cousin Sadie's wedding saying, "Seeing Rome (or Alabama) with you would make the trip perfect" (blah, blah and BLAH!!!) No holding hands (it's intiimate), No lingering hugs while whispering, "It's SO good to see you!" (that's not friendly!) Let the following be your guide... If you wouldn't say it or do it to or with your male platonic friends, you shouldn't say it or do it to or with your female platonic friends. See how easy that is?
And while we're at it, "Babe, Beautiful and Sexy" are not ways you refer to a friend... at least not one you want to NOT get the wrong idea. So that, "Hey Sexy!" salutation you like to throw around? Lose it! Lose it today! Keep it friendly. Completely friendly. Your female "friends" will thank you!
Even the Bible says that it's better to be hot (for our purposes here, in love) or cold (friends) than it is to be lukewarm (ambiguous)... The Bible says that the Lord figuratively "spits out" those that are in the middle, those not making a strong decision about Him one way or the other. I'm with God. Make a dang decision! Am I your "Bud" or you "Boo?!" (tee... hee... ) I know that "Bud/Boo" thing was corny, but typing it made me laugh. :)
Now, back to my diatribe...
Most women are not a mystery. I think I can speak for most of us when I say we just want to find someone to love who will love us back. When you boil it all down, that's all most women want. Maybe guys too? You can make this quest a lot easier for all of us, if when you feel it, you say so. And when you don't (and you guys KNOW when you're not feeling it, stop acting like you're so confused), don't pretend you do. It provides no ego boost to the girl. It doesn't help her make it through the day. All it does is confuse, frustrate and irritate. That, my brothers, is NOT cool.
Okay, I'm done now. Sorry for my rant, but I've just had too many conversations with my friends recently that start with, "So he said, 'I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you,' what does that mean?"
And my response?
Sadly, these days... absolutely nothing.
Take care and God Bless...
-YNB
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20 comments:
Is it just that dudes never take the time to write these emails? I mean there are plenty of tepid ass women around and I never see nothing about that. The "still-caught-up-on-her-ex", "not-ready-to-be-with-someone"...you know what I'm saying. Funny thing is I ain't trying to be the dude that writes that email either. Sue me. I shot the breeze about it, but will not be about it.
Amadeo...Apples and oranges. lol
I will take note on not being ambiguous. But women are ambiguous too. You all do some ish that leaves a brother confused!! I am in a situation now like that.
I know I haven't been through in quite a while but, damn if this site don't look like its been through gentrification...lol...nice...u still my home girl rant and all.
I would say that the ambiguity trait is neither unique to males or females.
I however am in favor of clear intentions, honesty, and authenticity. I'm my mothers son therefore I hate bullshit.
Wise...Fruitsalad?
Sadly even men my age still have this problem. I'm not good with mixed messages.
So when I reconnected with the love of my life after 20 years apart, I put it out there like this...
Already did the marriage thing, already did the child raising thing. Enjoyed them both, but don't want to either again. I love you and want to be in a monogamous relationship with you. Are we on the same page?
TA DA, and that's how to be non-ambiguous
happy VDay, Wise ;)
Amadeo...yes, fruitsalad!
"still-caught-up-on-her-ex"Girl is the apple to Ambiguous Dickhead's Orange eye.
And speaking of which...why are we debating the gender prediliction for ambiguity? Of COURSE women are too.
HOWEVER, the sista is lamenting the rationale behind THIS PARTICULAR BEHAVIOR.
So brothers, no need to play defense. How about some insight.
I know I usually have all the (right) answers, but this one truly escapes me...as does most dumb shit.
Brothers...
As far as insight...that's hard to say. I got the most uncertainty from sista's when I was most sure of my course of action. Be it, I'm just having fun or let's do this thing. For the former they'd go along until they didn't want to and for the latter they didn't seem to be sure what they wanted to do. Personally I've never been up in the air. Even if I was seeing a few women that didn't last long...and I mean past one date because someone always looked like a champ and they'd win out. Even in that situation I'd let it be known that I was just doing my thing unless someone started shining. Even then I'd understand if they didn't want to move forward because of my initial stance. I was always a strong proponent of not having to lie. No one can beat me at being me so if you want to be with me I'll tell you where I'm at and you can get down or not.
Was this long as hell?
::reading, attention undivided::
Amadeoa, was that long? I was gettin into it!
So we've established that you're not Ambigu-Boy. But by virtue of having a penis, if not personal experience...why do you think dudes go thru the motions of being ambiguous? And not just being ambiguous, but going as far as saying I love you, then backing away, etc?
Was that a long question? lol
Come now. you know there are many men out there who will use every tool in their arsenel to get some. some deceptive- some downright nefarious. Maybe in that particular moment they *do* actually believe the words they are saying.
I dont find the act of saying "l love you" and then backing away ambiguous at all. if anything, its pretty damn clear. False flags fly.
the very.
vday love to hate it hate to love it ... for the last two years ive been in a vagina monologues performance which well helps to change the meaning a bit ... but this year i have a true valentine and im lookin forward to it i cant lie ... but the other part of me knows not to expect too much ... and well ... i still have to learn to live with love after vday ... and thats the challenge ... its always easy to pick one day ... but what about lovin 365?!
Rev...Forgive me for believing there was some complex explanation. I mean, damn, I was willing to give yall the benefit of the doubt and not assume it was as banal and predictable as you suggest. lol
AI...Enjoy it girlie!
i can't tell you how many times i've had to explain "If you wouldn't say it or do it to or with your male platonic friends, you shouldn't say it or do it to or with your female platonic friends." that's why its so hard for me to go from friends to more. i wasn't lookin at you like that. men. but ace is right. and you already knew that. meaning clear: i'm tryin to get some ass and you are too easy to figure out. all i gotta do is be nice for a week. A WEEK! if i was pressed about sex and that's all it took, i'd try it to.
hmmm. interesting one. maybe there is no real explanation. but since My Wise asked for one i'll give it a try. what My Wise wants My Wise gets :o).
Ok after a few minutes mulling over it I have come up with three possible reasons for the Ambigu-Boy syndrome.
(1) Downright Player as Ambigu-Boy: This one doesn't need much explanation. As this guy, I am consciously out for poon no matter the cost. If I have to part with a few misleading I-LUV-YOUs, then so be it. all's fair in luv, poon-grabbing, and war
(2) Downright Confused as Ambigu-Boy: This confusion isn't a conscious one. Maybe at a basic level I am not sure if pursuing a mating strategy (polygamous, non-committal) or a parenting strategy (monogamous, committal) is the best way to carry on my genes. This probably has to do with how we are wired and the scientists may be able to tell us more. But it isn't my area of expertise so I will stop there.
(3) Guilt-filled diplomat as Ambigu-Boy: I think this is quite common. I firmly believe that most people generally and most men specifically have good intentions towards the other person. Or if you think that is going too far, I hope you will at least believe that most men do NOT have BAD intentions to the other person. This often means that I will mislead with the best intentions so as to avoid hurting the other person's feelings. I may not be feeling THAT kind of love for the girl but I care about her and I don't want to disappoint her. So I play the I-LUV-YOU charade hoping that buys me time until she realises that I am not the love of her life and saves me the guilt of having to break that piece of news. And why am I like this? Because I don't want to be heart-breaking bastard since I have heard from the time I was little that women don't like heart-breaking bastards. So rather than be a dog, I become a diplomat, and ambiguity is the stock-in-trade of a good diplomat.
That's my two-cents anyway. Maybe I am way off the mark and other guys will correct me if I am wrong.
btw, this does not excuse the fact that women are as ambiguous as hell. but I think someone mentioned that already so I will save that rant for another time :o).
Rev and J...You're killing me! That "Say Anything" explanation worked when we were 16. At 30 Im not buying it.
Now My Neil...Thank you.
Guy #1...I dismiss him on the grounds that by this age this guy stands out like a sore thumb. Im not saying he's always discernable, but I think the guy she was talking about is not "poon-motivated"
Guy #2...sounds a lot like the guy who you break up with bec he's confused and then 6 months later you hear he's engaged.
Guy #3...I do believe we have a winner. I think you're right on the money about this guy. and while I agree his intentions are pure, HE IS AN ABSOLUTE JACKAZZ. The worst among all 3.
It is this guy who embodies the ideals of the Bitch Dude, and therefore I openly and without GUILT aggressively call into serious question his manhood.
Women...at least we're VERBALLY ambiguous. lol
HA!
Stop @ #1 neil.
the very.
(PS- Guy #3 is GAY>)
thank you, good nite.
I'm gonna Co-sign with Neil.
Rev says..."(PS- Guy #3 is GAY>)"
I'm glad you said it. :)
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