Wednesday, July 26, 2006

You're All I NEED: Wise Hits The Tittie Bar


A convo with this dude I know...

Dude I Know: ".....yadda, yadda, yadda...some bullshit about wo/men...followed by some obvious/valid points, then some ole bullshit...women are the needy gender anyway."

Wise: "That's a fact?"

Dude I Know: "Come on, don't gimme a hard time. That's understood. That's common knowledge. Conventional wisdom."

Wise: "Guess it's time to re-analyze the convention."

I wasn't yet drunk enough to not wonder how my azz looked in my jeans. It was mild for July, humid for after midnight. Oddly loose at the waist. Snug in the thighs.

Shoulders out. Signature newsboy cap. Slightly incognegro, mostly quarantined.

Usually when there are this many dudes standing outside a spot it's either a night out for free drinks at Gay Bartender's job, some exclusive 'you-need-to-be-accompanied-by-pussy' party, or worse. Tonight was shapinig up to be the latter. The worst.

My blackhand side is cattle stamped and I proceed inside, the only chick in my crew. Stepping across the threshold, under the scope of tacky purple strobes, into the rhythm of nursery rhyme "skip hop," I quickly assess that I am one of a few chicks in the whole joint.

I grab my fictional dick, nod at the topless hostess who welcomes us to the establishment, and walk straight to the bar as if I got the fattest azz there. That's how you gotta be when you're in the House of Azz, when that's the money shot, if you will. I felt hella out of place, yet never one to be outshined, I'm determined to fit the hell in somehow.

This is not my first time at a titty bar. It's just never as good a time as advertised.

See, I had this convo recently with some dudes I know, dudes my age and older, and I was intrigued/appalled/amused by the fact that it seems the older guys get, the more obsessed with strippers they become. For some obviously uninformed reason, I thought this was something dudes grew out of, you know, like skid marks.

Not so, I'm told. In fact, as I'm walking thru I see with my own two Guccified eyes that this may indeed be a fact.

"I'm hooked, Wise. The nastier the better. I went with my boy from work and he's like a VIP and he put me on. So we come and they show us mad love at the door..."

"I'm in love with like, the laziest stripper there. She dances maybe once a week. Some of those bitches be on it full time. Not mine. She a temp or some shit. But I love her."

"No, they're pretty broke down. The cutest one is bout two cupcakes away from dragging down the damn pole."


So I'm alert, in as analytical a mode as can be expected after a few Goose and pineapples (at home, of course. Only vodka I seen behind the stripper bar is Popov [read: cheeeeeap].) I first scan the crowd for ex-bosses, ex-classmates, suspected lesbos, celebs, white people, and dudes I would normally bone...in that order. I see a few ComicView regulars and some DJs, but that's about it. Coast is clear for me to explore openly.

There's an empty stool near the stage and I plop down, looking around, tapping my rings on my glass. In my mind this is a clear show of interest in the music and disinterest in the performer. She was largely unremarkable, as is her audience. I'm saying, she was swinging and swaying and twirling accordingly, but dudes acted like she was the opening act or something. Like she was Little Brother at a SummerJam show. Crickets. But as the night wears on I notice that this is how it always is. A few bucks thrown here and there...but mostly the stage dudes are broke.

I ease up so as not to be typecast. My boys are huddled near the rear of the place, and when I approach it's as if I'm the only kid on the block with a kick ball and I finally came outside to play.

"Showtime, Weezy." I'm whisked to the back, and I say out loud, "Oh okay, this is where the real nggas be at."

And the real hoes. Big, small, light, dark, Asian-inspired, bilingual, bilateral, everything. Just a rainbow of blue collar cooch. Hard workers, too. Straight up Mexican work ethic in this muhfucka. These back room chicks ain't playing. They keep it moving, they pay attention, show love, make eye contact, remember first names, dispense pet names like Pez, and they carry an air of control. A false air, but convincing nonetheless.

These are the earners no doubt. And before I knew it they were about to earn my respect.

I'm led to a stiff couchy chair, slightly reclined. Relaxed.

My drink is replenished. My boys are watching, fists full of cash. Calling the shots.

I smelled her hair first. Pears. And it wasn't the stringy kinda hair that I compulsively pick off me after a packed train ride. Or the kind that clogs public restroom sinks. It was the black/mixed kind... thick and healthy. Real, I think.

"You're really beautiful. Your jeans fit you so well." Her raspy whisper is a loud bellow to my ego. Before I could thank her, her head slides down the side of my neck, down the front of my shirt, along the length of my waist band and back up to my neck.

I pull my head back, in genuine 'you go girl' deference. My boys egg her on, and watch intently, begging me to finish my drink and play along. Little did they know I had no intentions of cutting the show short. I was about to get schooled. Plus she looked a lot like my girl crush Al!cia Ke.ys. Sue me.

What followed was an impeccable and impressive display of a master of human nature. She said all the right things, wisely catering to my feminine desires for attention and approval. She was aggressive and showy, conquering women's natural competitive spirit. And she hit all the erogenous zones like a metal detector in a piggy bank...

Winding her smooth azz on my lap with varying speeds and pressure.

Rubbing her face in my chest in slow, methodical circles.

Suggestive girl talk that made me giggle like we were pointing out the dudes we'd let hit.

Placing her hands over mine then on her hips as she put on a show for my boys.

Left not a drop of sweat or stuff anywhere near me.

She had me at "beautiful."

I lifted my glass and let her sip the last bit of my drink. She needed it more than me.

When it was all said and done I was thoroughly aroused, impressed and entertained. My boys on the other hand, like most of the men in the boom boom room appeared thoroughly hustled. There was a hint of 'they don't get it' in their eyes. A sense of fantastical unreality in the way they reached out to touch the oasis. Their fingers lingered, longing, looking for a sign that this might be real.

It's the same glazed out look they get around hour 3 in front of a video game.

They strike up conversations. They ask about the chicks' school, sons, shit that have nothing to do with them. Shit that says they're inappropriately invested.

They are rendered absolute azzes around these women. They feel no reservation at the fact that they are not only ruled by an illusion, but that said illusion is community property. They overlook the stench of other nggas' giz and nut sweat. Turn a blind eye to the fingerprints around the brawd's bikini top and bottom. Where other muhfuckas already paid their respect.

This is a transaction...conducted in a trance.

"I'm saying, sometimes you just want a chick to show you some love, no strings attached."

"I love my wife, but the attention is mad necessary. And after that I go home to her."

"I know she do this for a living, and I don't mind funding her shoe fetish cuz she fulfills my azz fetish."

Dudes talk all day about how they just want to have sex with different women, without any commitments, they want it all the time, they go to drastic measures for a mere dick suck.

Men want intimate contact, want to be fulfilled, want to feel sexually accomplished, constantly.

And we're the needy ones??

27 comments:

DramaFree said...

Okay, somebody define needy for me, because if my definition of 'needy' is correct, I meet more 'needy' men than women....

onefromphilly said...

**And we're the needy ones????**

This post is the truth! so all I'm gonna say is AMEN!

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

sort of off topic--but theres an awesome NYC ex-stripper blog here:

http://ex-millennialgirl.blogspot.com/

i was working in the Orange Bear when she was working in NY Dolls next door. Although i didnt know her at the time. I went in there after the bear closed every now and again. Strippers + drugs = fun.

Blah Blah Blah said...

I've been to the strip club 3 times...all 3x I've been approached....yea, sort of a boost to the ego...knowing that I am "beautiful" to both sexes...but then I walk out realizing...they get paid to blow my ego up and my back out (if I let them)...lol

I ain't throwing no money to no chick... but damn if she don't make me wanna suck on sumptin...

Miz JJ said...

It's all fantasy, but dudes always take it too far and can't just live in the moment. I mean you are paying someone to care about you, touch you, grind on you. As if she wants to tell you about her kids. Dummies. She's not acting sexy because she wants too, but because you are paying her. That's kinda sad when you think about it.

Anonymous said...

You're girl crush is A Keys you have taste.


Ummm yea point well taken, us brothers often want our way, but can you blame us when we earned it by working hard. If I work hard I sure as well want to play hard. But I would argue that both genders are needy. Women do have a tendency to talk, be emotionally demanding, be physically demanding, and want to show it all off.

Who doesn't want a fantasy fulfilled, that doesn't make one needy it makes one normal.

Anonymous said...

Um I shoulda went with you!!

Knockout Zed said...

We're both the needy ones.

We need pussy and quiet.
Y'all need attention and money.

KZ

Amadeo said...

I may be the weirdo oddball...but I could never dig strippers. I almost went to a club twice, but something happened and I figured I wasn't meant to go. I do want the attention and things that men get from women at those clubs...but I want it from someone who knows I ain't about to pay their bills.

It's like Chris Rock said about lying, we're both guilty we just sin in different ways.

4EverJennayNay said...

i went to a massage parlor once. bet you cant guess what they were massaging...these were old nasty, warmed-over-death lookin hoes.

i do want to make it to a real strip club tho. male and female. while i know i'd be bright red the whole way thru, i'd love to have the experience. for some reason i'd much rather see female strippers tho. i think i could learn a thing or three from the women.

Rashan Jamal said...

No, you cant get caught up with the strippers, I dont wanna know about your life, just dance and I'll pay you. Like you said its a transaction. But some cats be taking the attention too seriously. The worst scene in the strip club is when dudes have the girls just sitting on their laps and talking to them. They are paying for the conversation and she ain't even shaking. That's not a good move.

Mr.Slish said...

Hold up !!! HOW COME NO ONE!!! is commenting on the fact that Wise got herself a LAP DANCE!!! and enjoyed it!!!! Got turned on even !!! OOOOooh I need to find you a guy to play with and FAST!!! Its come to this!!! You getting Lap dances from chicks!!! Don't give up on the brotha's wise! Stay with us!!! If Uncle Slishy catches you up in Mt vernon at Sues. I'm calling yo MAMA!!!! Lmaof

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

Slish:

im sure she's doin just fine. There's a million men in this city and she apparently has all her teeth, at least one Eye, and drinks a lot.

by the Good Reverend's Standards-
A Keeper!!

La said...

You just inspired me to blog about my first strip club experience. Whether I like what they do or not, those girls are BAD. And master manipulators. But being from the strip club capitol of the world (Atlanta) I've witnessed some of the baddest strippers in the universe reduce even the most composed brothers to mush.

I think both genders are needy. But their needs are far different. Hence the conflicts at times. But any man that says that their gender isn't needy is crazy. We've all been in a relationship; and if the things it takes to maintain a relationship can't classify them as needy I don't know what can.

But the same goes for women.

Anonymous said...

Look at you gettin lap dances!!! And lovin it! You about to be my strip club buddy!! Ima have to visit and me and you are gonna hit the strip joints!! I told you that u make a great wingwoman!!

Anonymous said...

Been there, done that and only for a minute. Needs=balanced, needy=unbalanced, so I'll say that yes healthy people do have needs, it's part of being human, no shame in it, male or female. I just could not feed into the stripper vibe, even though I do know a few, the interaction is limited to get-togethers, see-you-around situations etc. Most men are basically paying for nothing. If you can spend to get the "thing" (no, I'm not advocating that), then why would you spend just to be teased? I'm flexible but I can fulfill fantasies without that. There's a sensual element missing in it. PS. If a man is not internally strong and disciplined (no rites of passage) no matter what material things he's got, he's easier to fall apart. Anonymous Detroit. apart.Anonymous

Jameil said...

i love em... but men are so damn dumb. my homegirl's bro completely ids w/the song "i'm in love with a stripper." what???? nonsense.

look at epsi. someone get him a cold shower please. he's gettin all hot and bothered tryna picture wise's eye looking at a stripper on her lap.

TTD said...

i kinda want to go to a strip club w my man... but i dont want a lap dance...

So...Wise...Sista said...

lol @ all the comments!

Blah says..."I ain't throwing no money to no chick... but damn if she don't make me wanna suck on sumptin... "

Quote of the day!HAHAHA



DP...save the hunnid and get a rider lawn mower!


CNelly...Are you suggesting a 3some with you me and AK?? I'll consider it. ;)


4ever says ..."for some reason i'd much rather see female strippers tho."

That's bec male strippers like other male strippers.lol


Dear Slishy...So you see the moral of this story is that if you manipulate a situation properly...in my case using words...then no one will care that I had tiggle bitties in my face and that they almost poked my damn eye out. But never fear, I'd much rather be poked by a penis...preferably one that's not for sale. ;)

Eps...Find us a real nasty, gutter club in BMore and I'm in. You give me the $20s and I'll wing it to death for ya! ;)


Jameil...so dumb that there's an actual song about it. Go figure. lol


TTD...go for it! Skip the lap dance and just get drunk...you'll need it. Then go home and wear your dude out...then blog about it and let us know how it was! ;)

Adei von K said...

Get it girl! As usual, the Wise one has spoken! Guys are like dogs...what did Robert deNiro say in 'Meet the Parents'? Constant need of attention and affection? Sounds right to me!

i like liquor and tv said...

haha, this was great.

K-FED..WE need attention? Did you read the story?

Chubby Chocolate said...

Go with your bad self!

You've definitely got some balls on you. Stripper whores (men) could care less if it's all an illusion. Their brains don't have any layers! They're just as fine with the stripper illusion as they are with Beyonce horse weaves...


Asian-Inspired: LMAO!!
I'm going to bite that word!

Anonymous said...

You killed it with tha "bilingual, bilateral" comment. LMAO! Bilateral?? loved it.

But yeah, both genders are needy. Of course we know that. I think its stupid of guys to think that they or other guys aren't. Whateva. Chuck it up to denial.

I still aint made it to a strip club of either variety. Def on tha to-do list. Thx for tha laugh & story.
Jamericans, stand up.

So...Wise...Sista said...

Stacie...I think YOU'RE the wise one, my dear. ;)

Liq & TV...I'm so mad at the "K-Fed" nickname. lol


CC..."Asian inspired"...all yours. lol


CStiz..."bilingual, bilateral"
::taking a deep bow::

I forgot I said that...that IS funny! ;) Where you live? Let's find a Jamerican strip club, buy the strippers (who you know will be wearing only red/green/gold wrist bands, or "bangles")Red Stripes, and watch them whine and go down....or can we probably just find that at a regular ole reggae club? lol

GreatWhyte said...

If you and Laurenashleigh are going to the tittie bar together, can a newbie come too? I figure there HAS to be one in NYC that's worth blogging about, and I'm new here, so inquiring minds want to know :)

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