Monday, July 10, 2006

How Many of Us Have Them

I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want any more friends.

Wait, I take that back, I have recently re-opened enrollment for new ones, but realize that the friends I got are an effing handful. In a good way.

My best friend Wiz and her husband were in town the other day. We always manage to miss each other on these weekend visits, and we almost did this time, but we managed to slide in a few margaritas after her midnight flight in, before my 7am flight out.

She and I took this photo (which I been trying to post, but blogger be trippin) in 1986, at the Air and Space museum in Ottawa. [Raise your hand if you didn’t peg me for a black girl with a white best friend?] The remarkable thing about it is that neither one of us looks much older today than we do in this pic. And I think we both knew that 20 years later we would still be as close as two grade schoolers in a mock space shuttle.

Fast fwd to last weekend. 4th of July. Houston. I went under the guise of the Essence fest, when in essence I barely made a cameo at the damn event. Sure I had some clients in town and all that, but really, I went for rehab purposes.

My college buddy Entourage has a corporate crib down there and was nice enough to let me crash while he lived it up with his boys in Vegas for the weekend.

You remember your last few weeks of undergrad when you found yourself getting drunk with mad white kids (ok…unless you went to say, Grambling) and other nameless folks you never spoke to in four years? Well, we had a habit of nicknaming, and it was mad nostalgic for Entourage and I to spend our last night of college in the bar looking around at “Soccer Boy,” “Fresh Face,” “Dick Still in Her” and the like. So imagine our surprise when “Porn Star” comes over to us and says, “Dude, I just have to tell you guys, you two are the cutest couple on campus. And that’s what we’ve been calling you for four years…”Cutest Couple on Campus.”

We didn’t have the heart to tell him we weren’t boning. EVER.

So I stayed in Houston an extra day after he got back to town from Vegas, just so we could hang out. My last night in town, instead of hitting up downtown like we had planned, he and I ended up on his couch watching all three discs of that Denis Leary show on FX “Resc.ue Me.”

Forget that the show is effing brilliant, the company was worth every minute I was laid over traveling back to NY. I would travel around the world for his friendship.

Rewind to before Entourage got back, I met up with my girl Mack from Dallas by way of Little Rock. She’s a relatively new friend, a couple years deep, but a real one nonetheless. I'll never forget the time my ex-biz partner cleared out our biz account a few minutes before I had made it to the ATM that morning. It was rent time, and I was on my way out of town, so needless to say I was distraught. Then after the confrontational phone call, punctuated by threats of a lawsuit, I made a phone call of my own...to Mack...who stayed on the phone with me all night long, because my nerves wouldn't allow me to rest.

She and I have been thru lots, so hanging with her in Houston was right on time. We were under the assumption that Houston would do its best New Orleans impression and host sexy black folks drinking in the streets until dawn. Didn't happen. In fact, not the even the normally generous, hot Texas sun had the decency to show up.

But we made a phone call and got the hook up on the haps for the night. The directions were on point, and when we pulled up and were shut out of the already packed club, me, Mack and Ms. Living Single made do. We navigated through a full azz parking lot, a long azz line, a high azz cover charge, and a heavy azz downpour...and found a our way to tequila.

Then we managed to find a party that was relentless in pumping that NY shit...ya know, Biggie, Jigga, WuTang, Tribe, Busta. Biz on the wheels. And it was at this spot that this boy with one crazy grey eye, came up behind me, holds me by the hips, starts dancing, while trying to subtly unzip my pants. [Had it been a different club in a different city with a different ngga, I mighta been wit it...]

I can honestly say that I feel like I've found a new friend in LS. First of all, she's beautiful, which always makes for a good time out. But the girl can party! She brought the spirit of N.O., her town, to Texas, and I had a ball dipping in and out of clubs with her. But she will be the first to tell you that Houston is on some bullshit packing up the liquor at 2am on the dot.

It's not always easy to find kindred spirits. People who appreciate quality television, quality margaritas, offer quality compassion, and like a quality party!

I don't know about you, but most of the people I've met in the past five years, just been on some other shit. Trying desperately hard to be what they're not. Hating. Having no clear goals beyond retail gratification and tricking. No balance.
I admit that most of my friends were prefabricated. I either grew up with them, or went to grade school alongside them. Lifers. And those friendships have all grown and morphed into entities that reflect the growth and metamorphoses of our lives. I don't talk to them daily, or even weekly in most cases. But when we get together it still feels like home.

To the point where I feel like I don't know how to make new friends. First off, I'm an enigma...people can't figure me out. I'm an anti-social party girl, fluent in Latin and hood, a conservative slut, a liberal celebate, a drunken church girl with a dirty mouth, a generous heart and anger management issues. A writer who'd rather watch reruns than line edits. An ambitious procrastinator. Sincere and sarcastic. A Jamaican who don't smoke.

If I could be my own best friend I would.

I saw Whodini live the other day...they inspired me to emerge however briefly from my blog slump. I could go on forever about my(self) Friends.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

not very many... so you should cherish and love what you have .. which you seem to be doing... im goin through the exact opposite ... a lack of friends who understand what loyalty and trust is ... blamin everyone but themselves for the problems they have ... i enjoy readin your blogs by the way ... your writin skills are amaaaaaazing ...i envy that!

Mr.Slish said...

I'm the same way Wise..Most of my close friends i've known for at least 15-25 years..don't like to try out new people thats asking for trouble...lol

Anonymous said...

I make sure my friends have a sense of loyalty. i need to know they can stand by my side. Thats why Cnel is one of my best friends. He always is by my side

DramaFree said...

Hey lady!!

I'm glad that we had the chance to meet and hang out last week. That was fun...despite the fact that the city became dry as hell at 2 am *rolling my eyes*. I'm sorry, I just can't let that go!!

I started to blog about my 'friends' today myself, but I had more pressing 'issuhs' that I had to address. Some things that have occurred in the past week had me thinking about some of the friendships that I've formed along the years.... some of them have me asking myself "WTF??!!". Anyways, I can honestly say that I feel I have found a friend in you too :) You have to be the most chill and laid back chica I've ever met. And I'm wondering if the tequila had me buzzing to where I didn't notice the crazy grey eye...

Da Arsonist said...

Well Big Homie....I've always been a true believer in watching the company that you keep. I can honestly say that I've got probably 7 friends that I would ride at a moments notice for.
As for making newbies...its a hard thing cuz ...folks is crazy.
But its not impossible, hell look at us...

onefromphilly said...

Enjoy your blog, first time commenting. My best friend and I have been together since 3rd grade. I won't even say how many years that is LOL. Most of my friends are life-ers 15 or more years, except for a few new and dear ones. It's a good feeling to have a stable foundation of peeps, it makes the rough times a little more bearable! I enjoy looking back over the years and seeing how we've grown and the BS that we've lived through. Cherish

Blah Blah Blah said...

I have 4 really good-lifers...but they are 3000 miles away. I have 2 good male friends here in NYC...other than that...friends? I have ppl I hang out with, can laugh with...but tell all my shit too? No.
Females in NYC are a different breed...and dudes, not too many of those are trying to be my f-r-i-e-n-d-s
...that's my life...single in the city.

nikki said...

i'm with you on the close friends thing. very few of them and am loathe to find new ones. if i find a new one i'm clamping the person DOWN. lol

i believe in quality over quantity, anyway. it'd be cool to add on to the number, though. glad you found one in ya girl.

Knockout Zed said...

I met my "newest" close friend in 1989. The total is 5. It's hard to get close to people when you're grown, especially if you don't want to!!!

KZ

Knockout Zed said...

I met my "newest" close friend in 1989. The total is 5. It's hard to get close to people when you're grown, especially if you don't want to!!!

KZ

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

i'm opposite on this--i love meeting new people. perhaps not befriending them to the degree of "best friend" but...

t.g.r

So...Wise...Sista said...

AI says..."i enjoy readin your blogs by the way "
Nuh uh! Thanks soooo much. So glad you stopped by.

What you're going thru is the exact reason I'm skeptical of new friends. Dont knkow where the hell they been. lol


Slish...Spoken like a true NYer. When I first moved to the City I was so jealous of the kids whow are from here...cuz they had lifetime friends already (and not to mention the option to stay at home rent free, the lucky bastids!) But you're right...it's trouble.


Eps...You and CNelly seem to me like stand up young men. Your friendship will undoubtedly be tested, whether by distance, time, circumstances, some brawd, whatever...but you'll always know he's got your back and vice versa. That's priceless.


LS...Crazy grey eye was the first muhfucka I saw when we got into that spot. And I didn't realize it was him undressing me (I let hiim for a second to see just how far he would go)...until I turned around and said, "Are you fcuking kidding me?"

I had a great time, too. See what I loved was that there was ZERO drama with you...most times going out with ANY woman there's a level of..."Oh hell no!" or "That ngga!" or "Do my azz look right in this?" With you, none. I have come to appreciate the small things. Maybe that's why I'm so laid back (inebriated). As for the trials with your friends...do they read your blog? Write about it...you'll feel much better!

PS...yeah, it was the tequila!


Oh Young...You are indeed my special little star. Real recognizes real. :)
7 friends is a lot. That's your bridal party right there. lol


Philly Philly! Glad you stopped by! 3rd grade...amazing! Most of mine are from 4th. It's to the point where anyone who's outside of that circle feels out of place around us bec we're constantly reminiscing and shit. What's tough is when you're not close to them very often. We're all scattered around the country. I wish they could be my "every day" friends.


Blah says..."Females in NYC are a different breed...and dudes, not too many of those are trying to be my f-r-i-e-n-d-s ...that's my life...single in the city."

You ainit never lied. I didn't even wanna go into the NYC dynamic. Impossible. Everybody wanna be SOMETHING other than themselves. You barely know who it is you're befriending...another reason I gotta get the eff outta dodge.


Nikki...My mom always says when you find a true friend, you do what you can to hold on to them. I am in awe of people who have all these new azz people around them all the time. Couldnt be me. But as much shit as I talk, it would be cool to add another good good one to the roster. That shit is just too much work!


KZ aint never lied when he says..."It's hard to get close to people when you're grown, especially if you don't want to!!!"

As an adult it's like finding a man. By the time you meet other grown folk, they been lied to, robbed, stalked, beat down by people they thought were friends. So either the guard is always up, or they just on some, eff it I'ma be a azzhole. But I would want new ones if more of the folks I meet were worth liking. lol

Rev...New people blow! I'm kidding. I'm actually pretty into meeting new people, I just tend to hate the ones I meet. It's a wonder I've become so "attached" to bloggers like you who open up their lives. But I'm the exact kind of blogger as I am friend. I suck at consistently keeping in touch, but when I have the time I always have a sincere and open ear. lol

Rashan Jamal said...

Is it wrong that i like my blog friends better than my real life friends? I find myself making up excuses to stay away from the real life friends, but always down for an IM chat with the blog friends. If you figure out the new friends thing, let me know so I can try out your tactics.

Anonymous said...

Wise, I for one felt neglected, but I know you're a busy young woman. ;-)

Appreciate the update!

Ha, I was telling someone or writing somewhere that I am grateful my mother once told my sister and I point blank," You have too many friends. Everyone is your friend. Have you thought about it? You have more associates than you have friends. Everyone is not your friend." I think that lil tidbit about the associates vs. the friends saves me to this day.

I have to think on that. Who do I consider my close friends?

Sometimes I have a problem with reciprocity. I have no problem being loyal and also being giving, those are attributes I get from my momma. I have always believed as Rev. Run articulated, "Life gives to the giver and takes from the taker." Sometimes you just got to wonder whose gonna give back.

Those friendships I have no doubts about I shall cherish all the more!

Jonzee said...

I hav been the queen of making new friends, as I have been forced to move or moved myself several times.

I agree that it gets more difficult. From DC to NY I have attracted several new friends that started off cool and a couple months into friendship, I realized they were big fronters, or pure haters. I dont know how many women I befriended who started getting nice/nasty as shit started coming together for me with school and career.

Yeah, if friends were abundant, the good one's wouldn't mean nearly as much.

fuckgoogle said...

I seem to meet alot of new people *with friends I'm somewhat similar to everybody who posted as far as that's concerned*, but I'm in the military so it's a bit different. T cas, man that's kinda of true about bloggers most of them seem more personable....*seem*. I guess to be in line with the post not may of us due.

Anonymous said...

I concur with most everyone. At this momemnt though, I just can't find a lot of words to right now but um yeah, we grow toward different directions and everyone's circle is sacred (or should be). Anonymous Detroit.

Lyrically speaking said...

At a young age I was always reluctant in making a lot of friends due to trust, the trust factor is major to me and the privacy issue especially when it comes to dealing with women. But now that i'm older I am a little less reserved and yet careful with who I surround myself with. It's hard though, a struggle not to be anti-social especially when I hang out with my friends at parties or any events. Great post.

So...Wise...Sista said...

TCas says..."Is it wrong that i like my blog friends better than my real life friends?"

Uh, yes. On many levels. Ok, maybe not WRONG. :) I guess I wonder if your real time friends are real and you just arent feeling them...or if they're all fake and you just can't be bothered. Not to put you on the spot TCas...cuz I wanna be one a ya blogger friends. lol But when I find myself gravitating to friendships with people online, it's usually bec I don't want to face the reality of my own life, and good or bad, that's something that real life friends force you to do. Online you can put any face fwd, but with real friends...they know how your face looks, and they know when shit aint right.


CNelly, You know I missed you too...but you know I been on my grind. Your mom is right. And I be wantin to say the same thing to a lot of folks who run in these huge circles with a bunch of strange muhfuckas. My friend Gay Bartender is like that. She's always had all these stragglers around her, and when she introduces them as friends, I almost feel a slap in the face!

And you're sooooo right about the reciprocity. Something I'm still learning is that just as I was taught to be loyal some were taught to be takers.

See you 'round downtown, yo. ;)


Uh oh Jonzee...You one of those folks who makes a new friend everyday? I know you! lol Friendships in NY are impossibly hard. To me, you may as well have met these people in a seedy chatroom (aka on the A train, at Crobar, on the BK bridge, at a networking function, etc, etc.) :)


Hey 911...Thing about online is that you can be whoever you wanna be. You never know if the person you're chatting it up with for 5 hours straight is wreaking havoc in their real life communities! lol And trust, I have met lots of people online and think that's perfectly normal and cool...but I tend to raise an eyebrow when that becomes people's primary mode of socializing. Makes me think they have something to hide. Probably bec that's why I was doing it. Dunno.


Detroit...Are you um, otherwise occupied right now? Why did your comment seem like you were getting blowed as you type?? :) Nice!


Dela...TRUST. You're right, that's what it all boils down to.

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

"Friendships in NY are impossibly hard. To me, you may as well have met these people in a seedy chatroom (aka on the A train, at Crobar, on the BK bridge, at a networking function, etc, etc.)"

why do you think so....?
What do u think makes NYC any different than any other City in the US?
Dunno, i just dont equate the A-train with a seedy chatroom....? Its all perspective i guess.

Who is it your trying to meet? Perhaps your intitial expectations of an acquaintence are more than they should be?

I take it as it comes. People have all different levels of importance in my life- I dont have one definition of the word "friend". There are some that have been around for a long time, others not.

but i find this comment: Friendships in NY are impossibly hard. puzzling and i think you should elaborate on it...

t.g.r

Miz JJ said...

As I grow up I find the core group getting smaller. I just don't want that many people in my face especially the fake people. I have been cutting people out left, right and centre. And I'm happy with that. Very happy.

So...Wise...Sista said...

Oh Rev...I was being facetious of course with the A train thing. But you're right it's def all about perspective. To me a friend is simply someone I can stomach for the duration of a meaningful phone call, email, night out, accompaniment to an event, cup of coffee, etc. Someone I can leave in my crib and not worry about shit being missing. Now perhaps that's asking too much...for a friend to be an overall decent person. My experience after 7 yrs in NYC just as Blah alluded to...is that lots of people here are too busy trying to be what they are not, and are not in a position to just be decent, HONEST people. Why more so in NYC? Bec it's a city of excess and superlatives. Its ultra competitive. The communities are rigid and segregated. So many people work in industries that blur the line btwn biz and pleasure...lots of people socialize on the job, which is always a bit shaky and stressful. Plus I think there's a premium placed on having a huge amount of people accessible to "hang out with" but not so much on connecting with genuine friendship intents. Not all of course...just some. Enough to give me this perspective. I think with the sheer volume of people and diversity its just as difficult as it is easy to find good friends.


Miz JJ...I was horrified to hear about so many "cutting people off"...until I had to start doing it in college. Sometimes that shit is just necessary.

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

".is that lots of people here are too busy trying to be what they are not, and are not in a position to just be decent, HONEST people. Why more so in NYC? Bec it's a city of excess and superlatives. Its ultra competitive. The communities are rigid and segregated. So many people work in industries that blur the line btwn biz and pleasure...lots of people socialize on the job, which is always a bit shaky and stressful. Plus I think there's a premium placed on having a huge amount of people accessible to "hang out with" but not so much on connecting with genuine friendship intents."

it sure sounds your describing LA to me! but again- thats my perspective. thats exactly how i view LA.

I suppose i'm lucky, i guess i have always found folks in these parts that aren't acting a role. But i suppose it could be more of what industry you are in.....

Jameil said...

girl i know what the hell you mean w/making new friends. that shit is bothersome. but damn if i don't miss my hu girls and middle school girls... the ones i haven't outgrown anyway.

lmao @the cutest couple on campus. that's good shit. that's what me and my bf in h.s. were and he was white. i can't tell you how many people begged me to invite them to our wedding. wedding?! i've known him since i was 6. i want no parts of his genitalia! ew! puh-lease! but still quite funny.

Jameil said...

by bf this time i meant best friend.

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