Bitch Dudes: A Case Study

Now back to regularly scheduled programming. I’ve been recently sidetracked by surveys, jacked by jet lag, and derailed by the death of Civil Rights….but today I am itching to get back on my public service grind. This has been on my mind for some time, so it’s long overdue. Today I devote my attention and affection to BITCH DUDES.

I’ll let you know right now, if you are overly sensitive to gender roles, or a purveyor of political correctness [read: a brotha with a weak stomach], point your browser elsewhere. Bec I don’t have time to mince words, cater to egos and be more objective…and in fact, if this bothers you, and you have a penis, you might see your reflection all over this post.

Bitch Dude: n. – 1. A hetero guy who has the annoying attributes of an overbearing woman; as in, one who constantly whines, complains, has an attitude, pouts, holds grudges, and argues to no end. – 2. A guy who is inconsistent, indecisive and unable to take responsibility for mistakes, or ignorance.

There are varying degrees of bitchiness, but the conclusion is always the same, you always wanna tell his azz to MAN UP. Now lemme say that I am not one to ever contest a man’s sexuality. But Bitch Dudes usually carry that suspicion.

Still confused? Here are some of your favs:


Cam’ron is the Shut the Fugg Up BD. He just talks too much...50% of what he says is some kind of grandiose boast (‘This groupie was on me, and I passed her on to my crew’…how philanthropic of you); 40% is him complaining (‘I was supposed to be the president of The Roc until Jay came back from St. Tropez!’); and the last 10% no one’s listening to anyway. Mind you, this has nothing to do with the 7 minute Jay-Z dis/cry for attention (tell the truth, dude always takes like a full 45 secs to spit 2 bars)…but has a lot to do with the fact that I live in DipSet territory, and am reminded of his punk purple poser prowess every time I duck into the bodega on 140th and Lenox for a Corona.




Kobe is probably my fav BD. Fav as in, the one I most like to analyze and vilify. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but he qualifies bec of his demeanor, that bitch azz swagger he carries. He has this ridiculous chip on his shoulder and he is under the impression that he is way more loved than he is…this of course, was before he dropped 81, bec I tend to agree with Scoop Jackson when he says that Kobes blacked out bec he thinks the world hates him. No, no, I’m talking about Booed in Philly, Gas Face Kobe. You know this BD in your real life... He takes himself WAY too seriously, employs a solid set of values that are much more about what he thinks will make him seem mature and professional than what he actually passionately believes.

Ahh the next is a very popular one…BD that goes public when he doesn’t get the equivalent of the Album of the Year Grammy – ya know, that promotion at the job, an office position in his professional organization, the girl of his dreams, the girl working the drive-thru, etc. He believes so highly of himself, but refuses to acknowledge that his attitude is annoying and that his complaining is juvenile and unattractive. We call him the Minstrel BD, bec he goes to great lengths to bitch out. [Is often compared to Shut the Fugg Up BD.]


Derived quite closely from the Minstrel BD is the Thug BD. This one is essentially also really good at something, is desperate for acclaim and recognition, usually gets it, but still finds other shit to cry about. Pushes good people out of his circle for not agreeing with him (Coach Brown). Loves to throw blame. I hate to say this, but AI is notorious. ["Practice???"] Dawg, slacks. A sweater. Rest the bling. Most jobs have this policy. Grow up, and more importantly, MAN UP. [I’m a fan, but he' still annoying]


Now granted, he got my vote in 2000, and I will go to my grave knowing in my heart that he was robbed (and knowing that I earned my stripes in the newsroom during this election season)…but Al Gore is the kind of BD that won’t let it go. It’s 6 years later and he has these random public moments where he is still talking about how he got robbed. But he’s mad snooty with his. Turns up his nose and smirks, but is still hurting inside. He’s on the DL with his, not realizing how transparent his pain is. He needs to go on Dr. Phil and just cry and then heal! Let go, let flow!

You get my drift…the point of all of this? Well it’s personal really. Nothing gets under my skin more than a Bitch Dude. He's the homeboy who brings you his drama, and it baffles you when he can’t see why he can’t find a good woman.

He’s the one who, like Cam, whines about women who play him out, but is unwilling to see that they were honest with him all along.

Like Kobe he has a chip on his shoulder bec he assumes that his degree, pay stub and work ID make him a great catch (personality be damned, I guess).

He sides with Kanye bec he has never been late to work and his evaluation reflects his excellence. So with that said, we should not only think he’s amazing, but we should also suck his dick just because! And suck it well! [Stay tuned for "Why She’s Not Giving You Head, Even if You Do Her First"]

He’s the guy in your life who throws adolescent tantrums when you have to cancel on him. [Zig Zaggy cornrows are optional, tho it all sort of makes sense when you see that he actually dresses like a child too...fellas, visible boxer briefs or oversized jerseys are neither grown, nor sexy]

Finally, he might also rear his bitch azz like our former Vice President…ya know, he finds it necessary to blast some random chicks who just weren’t feeling him, and can’t seem to let go of all the things she did to show him just that.

Fellas, you think I’m berating, but I’m simply holding up a mirror. And I’m doing so in a highly subjective (tongue deep in cheek) manner. My hope is that we can all find love…and to that end, we must all find ourselves. Let’s all, guys and girls alike, commit to an honest examination of self. Let’s understand why it seems there are no sistas feeling you. Why there are no good brothas out there. And perhaps on that journey, we will all meet in the middle, and find true love. Fuck the career.