Monday, April 03, 2006

Penis = Pay


Had an interesting chat this weekend...

Stevie: “I actually sat down the other day and did some math…and I discovered that with the money I spent on first dates alone in the past year, I could have put a deck on my house.”

Wise: “Damn, B. For real, a deck? That’s the American dream. And you have neither dream nor weatherproof azz to show for it.”


Stevie is a client of mine. He’s a guy of few words, so if he ever picks up the phone and calls me, I know it’s about some business we couldn’t easily handle via email. But we spend countless hours on the phone talking about dating. He’s a straight guy in ATL…which I always thought meant a daily Lotto jackpot. But, alas, he's at his wit’s end with dating, and finds many ways to express his frustration.

Stevie: "I kid you not, Wise. A deck."

But whose fault is that?

Why are you boys breaking the bank on chicks you don’t know?

And why is it taking you 2 and 3 dates to figure out that she’s just not feeling you?

YES, you cheap bastard...men should pay. Why?

Answer: Because you asked her out.
Answer: Because you’re taking her out with the expressed intent to hit it.
Answer: Because you’re the man.


You ARE the man, right?

Take it or leave it, it’s called chivalry, it’s not dead, and no matter how independent women are these days [read: how independent they NEED TO BE], this is one of the rules of dating that should not be compromised. For several reasons…

1. Forget examining on an individual basis, I don’t care what she does for a living, and I don’t really care who asked who out….you’re there to get her to sleep with you. She’s there for the free meal and to gauge the probability of sleeping with you. You pay for the meal; she pays for the decision.

2. The moment the check comes is a commonly awkward one…so why not man up and take care of it and make the transition smoother? Boom, you meet a woman, you take her out…if for no other reason than that you don’t wanna hear her fcuking mouth later on, pay for the damn date. Shit, is that so difficult??

3. It sets the tone early. Dudes are scared that by always paying she will think you’re Mr. Money Bags. No, no. What it says is that you have established yourself as someone who is thoughtful, dependable, and reasonable (attributes that all translate well sexually). It says, this is A MAN.

And please save that sorry azz: “Do you want me to pay for that?”

It doesn’t work. You think you’re showing that you have good intentions, but what it’s really showing is your passive-aggressive way of having us ask you to pay for it. Bitch move.

Splitting the bill is actually very fair, but again, beware of the message it is sending the woman whose draws you’re imagining from across the table.

Personally, I always grab the bill to pay. Not split, but pay. And for sure if I do the asking out. Why? Because it’s slightly emasculating and I want to see how the guy will handle that.

And because I can.
[Chicks who go on dates without a dime to their name are obviously just there for the wings. Don’t get it twisted.]

But the question remains…Why are you blowing your deck money on a complete stranger in the first place?

Would you spend dough you don’t have on an expensive electronic or even a discount CD or book without first reading the back or the instructions of the specifications?

How stupid would you feel if you got home and realized that software doesn’t work with your Windows XP?

So why then take a woman out to a restaurant or two, wasting not only your time, but your hard earned, without first knowing what you’re in for? Shouldn’t you know by then if she’s into you?

Instead of bitching and moaning and giving reasons why the woman should sometimes pay, or why you should split, consider an alternative…and I know it s a radical one…

When getting to know someone, spend some time talking on the phone first. Better yet, shoot them an email or two. Get to know if this is someone you would even want to spend an hour or two with.

So many of my dudes, like Stevie, tell me about bad dates where the convo was lame, or she didn’t get his sense of humor, or they just had nothing to talk about. But that’s what the phone is for. Call her up. Tell a joke or two. Is she responding?? Did you get a dial tone?

This will save you at the very least the cost of supplies, if not labor.

And even more radical, and I’ll leave you with this…why not ditch the dinner and movie, and get to know her over coffee or drinks? It’s cheap, it’s casual, and if it sucks, it’s not hard to break out, cut your losses and go grab a brew and plot your next move toward your American dream.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I quite like the part "You pay for the meal; she pays for the decision." quite insightful.

i always thought the phone appears as the chicken-out option. but u make a good point so from now i will save a few dollars and get dialing.

Veronica Marché said...

I, personally, am a fan of the phone. That neat little device has saved me from going out with a number wackos, albeit I had to ignore a number of calls after I came to those decisions. For those who I do decide to go out with, I'm much more comfortable after a few conversations.

I hope the fellas are taking notes.

Anonymous said...

Thirst, hunger, and lack of balance/focus ususally causes my brethren to engage in folly when dealing with women. For a season, I was that way too. Anonymous Detroit.

Anonymous said...

Here is mmy method: We split the tab the first three dates. After that, I offer to pay. I am not built of cash, I am a broke azz college student. Secondly, I don't like that female enough or know her enough to pay for her.

I like the phone idea. I had coffee with a girl once in order for me to gauge her before we went out. That same night she practically stalked me. She waited outside my building looking for me because there was some info about someone else that I would not give up. So she waited outside my building and blew up my phone looking for me. Thank God we had coffee before we went out on a date.

Rashan Jamal said...

You ain't lying about the phone. You can't take everybody everywhere. From my experience, it's better to get to know someone a little before taking them out. It's not about the money as much as it's about making sure you actually will have something to talk about.

Ddot the King said...

You are doing a great service for a lot of brothers! LOL! Great blog!

So...Wise...Sista said...

Neil...no, no...the phone is your friend. Especially during off-peak hours!

Insane...The beauty of this "advice" is that it is absolutely based on common sense and not any real "wisdom." :)

Duck...As a fellow phone girl, I can think of quite a few dudes I would have had to walk out on had I not screened them on the phone first. Seems like such a simple thing, right?

Detroit...So what are you like THIS season? ;)

Eps...Your method sounds quite logical, but to be honest with you, if I was dating you I'd be a bit put off by the "structure." That's just me...and mind you, I am a woman who always offers to pay. But as Joe College, #1 - chicks are a lot less likely to be as logical as you in this respect. #2 - College chicks are also likely to be broke. So it seems that the phone would be perfect for your situation...plus you have mad low cost options for dates on and around campus. But if I recall from your blog, you already got a lady, so what do I know! lol

TCas...I'm with you. The other thing that amazes me is how many people will have a stranger come pick them up at their house for a date!! Someone you never even spoke to on the damn phone...and you both got your own whips??? Hell naw, partner, I'll take the train...unless of course, we establish some boundaries of sanity over the phone first...then you can scoop me!

Ddot...You make me blush. I do it for the love of my brothas...because one day they may try to holler at me! :)

Jameil said...

i know that's right! yo, listen up my dudes. ain't nothing sexy about a guy who won't even pay for the first date. i don't care where y'all are going, you need to pay for it. if you can't afford cheesecake factory or wherever you're going and you don't know her tastes, take her for coffee. i personally don't drink coffee, so a deli will do, too. i like sandwiches. haha and you would know that if you would use the phone, stupid! lolol.

its really not that hard. and you got so wise to break it down and a couple more to cosign and tell you some more ish. i never even thought about that you need to pay b/c you're tryin to hit. true. you ain't impressin NOBODY by pushin the bill this way.

Supa said...

Loved the way your broke this down, Wise!!!

Fellas?? LISTEN and LEARN

nikki said...

coffee or drinks is the best date and conversation is CRUCIAL. i was just telling someone last night how crappy the conversations i've encountered here in the atl have been. i could care less if you buy me dinner at an expensive restaurant. i can eat at mcdonalds if the conversation is tight enough. the dinner only becomes an issue when the sista is so bored out of her mind she realizes she's eating a seventy-five dollar steak.

i hope the brothas are checking this shit.

Anonymous said...

Harmonious pretty much. Similar to Eps and T Cas. Communicate FIRST, verbally and non-verbally. LISTEN and watch BODY LANGUAGE (incl eyes) in a comfortable public setting. Also whereas women have their powerful intuition, we men have it too, if only we listen to it. It's called gut instinct. (In my case almost six-pack). If things don't work out, fine, you learn about others and yourself, if things do work out, same thing. Anonymous Detroit

Mr.Slish said...

I don't know about the rest of these brothas, but i'm old school If I ask a sista out i'm paying If she asks me out i'm still paying end of story. If she pulls out money to pay at the end of the date. I would be offended. Now don't get me wrong sista's have taken me out and paid, but it was always discussed prior to us going out and usually we've already established that we are in a relationship.

Now Brothas today don't understand what courting a woman is. Dating is like the stock market you make a few tiny investments expecting a huge return. So what if some of those investments flop.Its okay part of the game. The right investment can give you a lifetime return.

Holla at yo boy...

So...Wise...Sista said...

Jameil...Nowadays even the tiniest coffee shops have tea, juice, a liquor license and a grill!

Supa...It's common sense, no? The irony of calling myself WISE seems hilarious when the message is this simple. lol

Nikki...So tru about McD's, and I think most women not just out for a free meal would co-sign that. I think guys also think that the notion of dinner is enticing or impressive to us, or perhaps just what they should do...but if you gonna do it, do it all the way to the moment the check comes. lol

Detroit said: "It's called gut instinct. (In my case almost six-pack)"
Wise says: Show off! Lemme see.;)

Slish...Very insightful analogy...but seems like young dudes aint checking for no investments. They gotta spend that WHOLE check, NOW!

Jameil said...

my point exactly.

M-Dubb said...

My thing with chivalry is it's become a method of convenience. "I'll let him pay because I'm broke," or "He said he's payin, and that's the only reason why I'm goin."

If a girl decides to go dutch, that's extra points for her with me. It means she's putting something into the situation as well. If I gotta drive, pay and pick, I might as well do the shyt by myself.

**steps off soapbox...

So...Wise...Sista said...

I don't disagree MDubb...but the point of chivalry is that it's unconditional. One could argue that a man uses it as a method of convenience as well..."Let me spend some dough on her so she can put out right quick." If a guy is sincere about taking a woman out to get to know her, should it matter why she is accepting?

Sherlon Christie said...

Not every man is trying to hit...

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