I have many friends going thru effed up break ups right now. And some languishing in ridiculous relationships. My boy Coop says it’s because when you meet someone, you actually send forth a Representative of yourself. Some people are able to maintain the persona for longer than others, but invariably, that shit don’t last.
And sooner or later the real you shows up and more times than not it aint the YOU that you introduced to your s.o. and vice versa.
I agree. And it sort of takes away the comedic value of me saying to friends…
“You shoulda married ME. I wouldn’ta gotten knocked up before we even met eachother’s friends.”
Or…
“Had you baby mama’d ME, I woulda NEVER legally changed the kid’s name behind your back. Then cussed out your mom and made us move out of the house you grew up in (mortgage-free) into a bullshit ass townhouse (rental)."
Or…
“Damn, if you had moved in with ME, I wouldn’t have broken your cell phone in a minor altercation.”
Or…
“Whoa, I’m moody, but to not talk to you for an entire week because you’re a vegan and the smell of my turkey burgers made you slightly nauseous, is just crazy. I’da just tofu’d it up!”
It’s all jokes, lightens the mood, makes convos about these relationships less depressing.
But it’s also true.
I wouldn’t do any of those things and they know it. Because they know ME. We’re friends. Genuine ones without alter egos.
But the fact is, there was something about these relationships that attracted both parties.
Something that kept them there.
Something that only they can understand.
So I wonder, why don’t more people fall in love with their friends, people they know?
Is it because there is an intrigue in a new relationship, in which we embrace the opportunity to reinvent ourselves?
Because new people allow us a chance to be new people with new characteristics and new futures?
Do we just like having as many avenues and resources available to us as possible...so if the relationship fails, the friendship is still there for our refuge?
Because friends just know too much…or perhaps not enough?
Or do we just love anticipating the Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda?...or maybe we just all have really ugly friends.
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22 comments:
Damn, I was gonna post on this same exact topic. I for one am a "friends first" type of person. The real you comes out when you are friends because you aren't really trying to impress one another. There is a "take me as I am" mentallity when you are just friends. If more people went this way, there might be longer and stronger relationship.
people are afraid to fall in love with friends because it requires slipping off the warm cloak of friendship and laying bare before the chaotic force of nature called love....lol
or your friends might be ugly. hehe.
nah on the real, I think the missing ingredient is passion. friendships that evolve into love last longer and have more depth but seem to lack the fiery passion that a new crush/lover might have.
ON...Stay outta my head. lol
I think you're right, but the reality for me at least, is usually that first comes some kind of spark, and then it leads straight past friendship. :(
Ab...You could right about the passion. Hmm. I otta thin on that.
PS...Not sure if Im gonna make it out to Gardel's tomoro, but do hit me anyways (I dont have your email)
sowisesistaATaolDOTcom
Friends do fall in love, provided they aren't ugly (HA!), and usually have the strongest relationships. What your friend calls "sending out a representative" my friends and I all call the 6 Month Mayhem: no one can make it more than 6 months playing the "representative". If they can, they're sociopaths. It's usually around then, sometimes a little later, sometimes earlier that the cracks in the facade start to show and all hell breaks loose. That usually leads to the convos in which someone says, "He/she wasn't like this BEFORE." Which is why the idea of friendship first is important. You have less to lose in a friendship than you do a relationship (in the begininng phases) and you can afford to just be you at all costs. When you lose a mate, you lose a friend, a significant other, a lover, it affects the way you view relationships, yourself, life. It's a whole lot wrapped up in it, verses someone you just went and got Chipotle with sometimes.
And also, said friends usually have no cojones :-)
If you stop and think about it, your desired relationship with the other person is established in the first few seconds or minutes of meeting them (unless y'all were like, childhood friends gettin' baby-sat and taking baths together and stuff). You either went (in your head), "Mmmph! he/she fine! I wonder if he/she got a gal/man. I know we just supposed to be workin' on this church committee together, but, WHEW! Lemme step up my game here!" (And then proceeded to do everything in your power to avoid the infamous Friend Zone.) OR, when you were introduced you thought, "Oh, homegirl/homeboy is kinda funny and really creative. Too bad she's/he's so run-of-the-mill in the 'sexy' department. Oh, well. What's the next item of business?"
I don’t think the developments in the movie Brown Sugar are that far off. Those two (T. Diggs and S. Lathan) were childhood friends who just happened to grow up “fine.”
Am I lyin'? Typically we either go right into the relationship tryna "get on," or we don't think much of the other person and you just grow on each other in friendship mode. In other words, if you were gonna try to "do" your friend, you would have done so in the very first place. That's why it's so rare to one day see him/her and have some kind of romantic epiphany. Don't get me wrong. It happens. In certain circumstances. (It happened to me. She was a college senior and I was assigned as her freshman "Little Brother.") I'm just respondin' to the conundrum of why it's not a common occurrence and why we shouldn't fool ourselves into expecting it to be.
I've heard women say it plenty: They can tell almost immediately if a brother is bone-able/mate material in about 30 seconds. Was I misled?
LA says..."no one can make it more than 6 months playing the "representative". If they can, they're sociopaths."
Sooooo true.
"And also, said friends usually have no cojones :-)"
*sigh*
Nupe says..."They can tell almost immediately if a brother is bone-able/mate material in about 30 seconds. Was I misled?"
Not misled. It's true. But I dont actually bone everyone I find boneable.
Brown Sug is actually a good example. But I think as they were "growing up fine" there was always that sexual tension.
But as adults I think it's a lot less likely to meet someone you'd bone and just be friends.
Most cats don't want to take the risk...which is really just risking exposing someones jealous nature or the way they deal with someone in a realtionship...when you think about it friends seem like they would make sense cause you know their faults and have accepted them already. However when you are used to letting someone be free some people can't make that switch well.
My point exactly with regard to Brown Sugar: It's the exception to the rule. Those two grew up friends, and just so happened to both develop into beauties (if you think Taye Diggs fits that mold, mind you) who already dug each other on a whole 'nother level. Had they not grown up to be so fair, their relationship would have proly remained platonic (which would have been a whole different movie then, I guess).
And I was only using "bone" and "bone-able" to illustrate the different emotions--apathy v. intrigue--that will typically prevail upon making an acquaintance, in the context of the discussion. I was not insinuating anything concerning your particular proclivities. Heaven forbid.
Amadeo...Could it be that it's FRIENDS that dont REALLY know one another?? There are certainly thing sId do or say to a s.o. that I wouldnt to one of my homeboys...
Nupe...Hmmm, I would argue that it would only be a diff movie if Sanaa didnt turn out fine. Hot girl falls for dopey childhood friend is basically The Wonder Years. but it would NEVER be hot GUY falls for frumpy chick from back in the day. lol
Whats weird is that 2 of my good friends just fucked recently. And we're talking friends since high school and it makes me wanna vomit. lol Granted thats a whole 'nother convo but I needed to vent.
Heaven forbid. hahaha
Can't wait for the post about your two friends! Talk about drama!
I am in fact in love with/in a relationship with/bound to till hell freezes over although not legally *lol* my best friend! He is far exceeds any dude I've dated or the cat I married *mute on that* LOL! He knows me better than anybody and although we've known each other for a LONGGG time I'm still learning new things about him. I know the basics and the principles and that's what's keeping me grounded...in him. *mush mush*
Nupe...That will be the best story NEVER told. :(
Durt...Now, did you always have that 'he could get it' feeling toward ur friend-turned-lover?
because the people you think are your friends will (possibly) eventually screw you over, too and why risk the friendship over attraction?
Me and my girls have a saying 'lovers come and go, but friends are forever'.
Jam...PREACH.
Philly...My friends and I have a saying too..."What's a lil head among friends!" lol
i got hot friends. i think they know too much. :-/ definitely something to think about.
also feeling the new foggy mood background. makes me want to put on some gloves and muh london fog.
...let me think on this one...
Hmmm, I know how I am with men...so tryna turn one of my male friends out...well would be disaterous.
Flip to that, my male friends know how I am with my "dudes" and to them, I think I present a challenge and they think they can make me a good wife like no one else can... but they are a little intimidated. They only really flirt when they are tipsy... which suits me fine.
did kara say new foggy mood background like you ain't had this for 50'leven years? some people. they leave forever and act like YOU the one been gone so long!!
Kara...Ive missed you with your fine self! ;)
Hot friends who know too much certainly cause some complications...but maybe thats a good thing.
Blah...Isnt that what rum is for...to flirt with those you wouldnt normally?!
Jameil...i was gonna let it slide, but since u said it...hahahaha.
I say its a little "...so if the relationship fails, the friendship is still there for our refuge"
&
"Because new people allow us a chance to be new people with new characteristics and new futures"
I have ugly friends, lol. But its a great question you ask. I don't really have guy friends like that, so......
And guys and girls are generally friends when they AREN'T attracted to each other (for whatever reason), right? That's what I figure anyway.
Ambiguously in-love duo & 7 years into the whole thing we still kept the best friend part of our relationship.
I don't know why we are not together. But it might be because the fat majority chick will put up with more shit.
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