Boy Chart

Happy New Year, boys...

I spoke to a college friend today. She reminded me of the age chart she and I devised back then, that explains where in life guys are at different ages up to 30…bec at 21 I wasn’t really checking for men over that threshold. As we grew older we began to really see the validity in our claims, and it has never been more clear and correct than it is today.

Do YOU fit the bill?

20-23 – College. Still obsessed with sexual conquests…and video games.

24-25 – Finally finished with school and actually landed a decent job. Now he’s able to finance his feverish conquest for ass, so watch out. Now, when you see him perusing the mall, he’s got not only the latest Madden his shopping bags…but, oh my, CK One cologne.

26 – He’s been on the job a year now, and has a full week and a half’s worth of black and blue dress pants hanging on wire hangers in his closet….floor full of Jordans. He’s met some really great women at after-work happy hour, and he’s even dated a few for extended periods of time. But he still has some low-expectation homeboys who convince him he’s still much too young to “throw in his player’s card.” Plus they need one more pair of thumbs to round out the NBA Live tourney next Saturday.

27 – By now he’s switched jobs, this one has a 401k (of which he does not take advantage. He needs his WHOLE check…or rather, Discover card is demanding it!). He’s been with so many women – (he’s embarrassed by a great many of them, but azz is azz) – that he is now tired of the game, and secretly longs for a steady…but of course he masks this desire and remains elusive by being “really focused on the career right now.” His ego soars high as the girl in Human Resources outdoes herself to get his attention. But he’s the guy who “works crazy hours” and doesn’t “have time for a serious relationship right now.” Oh, and he’s upgraded to Crave cologne. Even owns a few pairs of square-toed shoes. Sneaker game is out of this world. Also at least one of his boys is now a baby daddy…who now buys X-Box games “for his seed.”

28 – Like many of his female counterparts, this guy is deep in debt, btwn credit cards and Sallie Mae. So he’s not at happy hour as much, and is “tired of the mall” (plus now he’s also upgraded to “the outlets”). Karma has paid this fucker a few visits, and truth be told his heart’s been broken. He’s so disillusioned by being played that he turns to white girls. Yes, he’s a bit of a late bloomer. He finds a whole new world at the white bars, and finds it less expensive there too. Needless to say, with all that free bunny love, he’s not thinking about no wifey…despite the fact that he is FINALLY realizing that his white counterparts on the job have long since mastered the corporate game and now parade their trophy wives to all the holiday office parties.

29 – Mama’s on his azz now. As if HER biological clock is going nuts, she’s all but shopping for baby clothes, waiting on that grandbaby. This guy’s grandmother passed recently, and he’ss starting to feel lonely and under pressure for love. But he’s squandered away most of his 20s trying to conquer as many women as he can. Most of his friends are either in baby mama hell, or back living with their parents, so he spends a lot of time playing Playstation alone. Lives for the Saturday afternoons when one of his boys’ kids is with the in-laws. He’s got a photo album full of anonymous smiling women from the good old road trip days: Freaknik, Daytona, Caribana, Jones Beach. At 29, dude is depressed about 30. He’s discovered his 401k, wants to buy a condo, and has been researching Whole Life insurance policies…but then frowns knowing he has no one to leave the money to in the unfortunate event of his demise. All of a sudden, he wonders when the tides have turned…women used to be aplenty. Now it seems the well has gone dry, and he can’t seem to find “the right girl.” The one who can cook and strip at the same time. The pressure is so thick he contemplates relocating for a fresh start. But then mama calls, and he rationalizes that he’s got “family obligations” and THAT’S why he’s single with no prospects.

30 – Still deep in a depression, his boys take him out to celebrate the big 3-0. And despite the despair, it’s like New Years Day…a rebirth or sorts. He begins to see this decade as a way to rewrite his future. He frequents the real estate section of the paper and will actually go to an open house this year. He will order a copy of his credit report. He will get an HIV test. He will buy his mama a substantial gift. He will get rims on his Explorer (still spinnin’). He will ask for a raise. He will upgrade yet again. Maybe a Polo fragrance to match his new boxer briefs. He will finally give in to the girl in Human Resources. Try the steady thing. He will get a flat screen TV. He will bring his dead Granny bouquets on Sundays after church. He will get his four suits tailored. He will get some AZZ!
Sound familiar??