Dayum Kobe… in high school you was the man… Kobe...

...what the F happened to you!

I was so ready for Kobe Bean to emerge after this dramatic, echoing intro by Stephen A. [Gosh, I remember running into him at NABJ in Milwaukee and he was every bit the asshole. Love his show tho…]

In true diva mystique, there was a bit of a pause…enough time for me to guess what he would be wearing.

Ok pause…I am very particular about my stars’ appearance. I was less than thrilled with LeBron’s Oprah threads, bec I know you’re LeBron and all but dammit, she’s OPRAH. Don’t make me backhand you across the mouth for rolling up on the Harpo stage like this is 106 & Park. Show some F'ing respect...[note: I have since changed my tune. He's cute. ]

Damn, I am SO distracted!

Ok, so anyways, my guess was that Kobe would step out from beyond the smoke, stepping down to our level from his perch... 81 stories up…

Fitted jeans, white button-down, V-neck sweater, fresh white kicks. [look famil? ok so my guesses are largely unoriginal] That was my guess. Thought he might slide in a tie.

Wrong on all accounts…

Baby blue and white checked blouse…

Wet-sand colored vest…not a Kanye vest, more like a wedding vest…

Striped, mustard Windsor knot tie…

Black slacks that appear to be borrowed from Lamar Odom or possibly his newly reconciled buddy Shaq...

Hi-Tec looking boots.

I'm not kidding. Lookin like he just came from drinks at Ronald McDonald's house...and his drunk azz raided his closet. Kobe, NO!

I missed most of the content in the first half of the interview….but even more distracting and intriguing really is to watch the way that Kobe effortlessly channels the spirit of MJ. And I do not mean on the court. I mean his mannerisms, his demeanor, the pacing and tone of his voice. His diction. “The game of baaaasketball…”

Kobes is expecting another little girl this spring, ya know. That wifey of his must REALLY be trying to get the most bang (& bling) from that young buck…remember when divorce seemed eminent?

Funny thing about young love…it often defies logic. Kobe and his video vixen have obviously grown up together. She was like, at her 6th grade graduation when Kobe got drafted, right… and she like, can't drive after 9pm without a licensed driver...she's sooo ready to get her permit.

People were quick to call dude a dummy when he dropped a couple cool mils on that ‘thanks for not busting my balls in that press conference’ ring. But in an interview around the time it all went down, Vanessa “Soul Food The Movie” Williams put it best: “They’re young, and that’s what young people do when they mess up.”

Verdad…[cuz me and Kobe both speak Spanish. Ya really had to see the interview for ANY of this to make a damn worth of sense. Plus ya know by now I’m a rambler.]

Young boys take note…when your semen comes up missing in some white girl’s stool, be like Kobe...max the AmEx. Then head over to Ronald McDonald's crib.